I was nervous yet excited. 

Nervously excited sounds appropriate for how I felt as I waited.  The packets of sweetener were on the table awaiting her arrival.  Invading the kitchen then stockroom produced the brand she preferred.  Not one for the additive, I wouldn’t know there was a difference among sweeteners but apparently there was one. 

Reaching over, I moved the container closer so she wouldn’t have any trouble retrieving her mandatory two packets.  Satisfied it was angled correctly my eyes reconnected with the entrance. 

It occurred to me that maybe I should have brought the bag indoors.  She may not walk out with me after we’re done reviewing the list and documentation.  Then the day will pass and its associated event lost in the wind along with my at times dithering courage. 

Briefly, I wonder if it’s an appropriate gesture.  We’re talking and that should be enough.  Perchance this crosses boundaries of tolerance given this new regard for each other.  Given all that’s happened. 

It’s innocent though.  I just want to wish her well for her project.  For her future.  I’m letting go and maybe she needed to know, maybe not.  Regardless I wanted it known.

*****.  Shaking my head I realize I’ve never felt this uncertain.  It’s no mystery my behavior was an unhappy combination of resignation and doubt.  Incongruously, for a few musings certainty abounds. 

One being I want her to be happy.  She’s such a loving a spirit and deserves joy and contentment.  Another that I never want to hurt her again.

Those certainties make my approach tentative.  The tremendously unimaginable blunder then every subsequent dismissal to my advances to reinstate what we were promotes this prudence.  I don’t want to do anything wrong.  The first tear she shed that night was one too many.  That I wasn’t there to catch and dab them away was an impossible reality.

So I’d rather be overly cautious than have another lapse in judgment.  Ever again.  Even the perception of being inappropriate is unnerving. 

The current calm in relations has been well received.  So much so that I thought I’d overstepped the invisible periphery last week.  When I admitted missing her.  It’s possible I didn’t have a right to either feel that or share the reflection.  Thankfully, she reciprocated.  The thought and memory of her words still warms my heart.