Slowly, Alice’s face blurred as my eyes focused on the board behind her. There it was, the name that was forever linked to Bette and in effect, to me. The ink still fresh, the line that linked them prominent and bold. So unlike the fading, withering line that stretched between her name to my own. It was two days after my arrival that memorable night that I decisively completed writing her name.

A stark reminder of what was fact.

Since that explosive night I’ve been living with Alice on and off. I’ve also been welcomed by Dana. She’s been great about letting me use her place when she was away on tour two to three weeks at a time, fairly regularly. Although Dana leaves an impression of innocence easily misinterpreted for immaturity, her equanimity remains the crux of her demeanor. Certainly evidenced by her ability to compete at the highest echelons of her sport.

We’ve started running together on a regular basis. When she goes full tilt, the ground unfairly keeps me in place as her pace is beyond me. Not to prove I’m lacking in any way, she does this only to encourage me to stretch myself physically. She loves training for her sport, even if it involves exercise. Health reasons preside over my motivation but anger and frustration seem more effective triggers. I’d lost count of the miles traversed fueled by those emotions running from that night, the images of my lost lover, my fractured heart.

Al and Dane have been so generous with their space and time, seemingly, not just because they’re sorry for me. What we’ve shared has strengthened our friendships and allowed them to view me separate from Bette. If anything, at least the breakup permitted this growth, our strengthened friendships and my increased visibility in their eyes and my own.

Upon reflection I’m struck at how I hadn’t recognized this feeling of ‘me’ being almost masked by ‘us’. More worrisome, the ignored seeds of resentment that had germinated as my ‘T’ was enveloped in one of Bette’s – devoured to some extent and not necessarily in a good way. Most alarming, knowing that I had a role in this development, a willing participant. Did my silent resentment build toward our growing indifference and eventual disintegration? I admit my mind is too weary to contemplate any of this right now.