Love or not.

“I…” the truth “I don’t know what to do”

She clicked her tongue and reached down and swiped up some clothes from the floor then looked back at me “You do love me, right? I mean don’t feel obligated just because you feel bad”

I reached out, stopping her and pulled her towards me “You know I do, Carly”

“Say it”

I couldn’t avoid eye contact because she’d know I was torn “I..” nipping her lips once “love…” twice “you” then a third time.

Her glassy eyes stayed on me “Than please don’t see her again and we can start our life together with no more interruptions and distractions. You and me”

“I was just..” I came clean didn’t I?

Isn’t that enough?

“You were just making me look like a fool” she concluded but she was wrong, that wasn’t why “I get that Tina’s a magnet and she’s drawing you to her but seriously? Try and retract her”

God I wish I could just be honest and not so damn scared of hurting one of them.

On one hand I had Carly, I knew I could trust her, without any restrictions and I had promised myself to her and her only and I had already broken that promise twice already but then on the other hand there was Tina… the woman who has most possibly bedded most women in West Hollywood but when I am with her, that doesn’t even cross my mind and we connected in a way that Carly and I had. It wasn’t the sex that connected us, of course the sex was earth-shattering but it was something completely unexplained.

I look to Carly, searching her green orbs for an answer but the only thing that came to me was just pathetic “I want to be with you” I emphasized tightly “I chose to spend my life with you”

“I know you love me, Bette and that isn’t the issue… It’s if you can stay away from her and if you see her and she comes onto you again… can you say no?”

Fuck. I cannot believe I am going here again. Why couldn’t I just stay away? Or lie to her when she asked what I got up too while she was away?

 I wanted to say yes. The guilt I felt inside ate away at me. Each time I thought about Tina, each time I imagined my life with her.

“How can you sit there and be so calm? I thought we were finally getting past this” She added and in some respects we were moving on from my indiscretion… setting the the date for the wedding for example and for a while there I was held so tightly under her thumb, she’d question my every move.

“How do you want me to be, Carly? I fucked up but I promised to always be honest with you and I never have lied to you”

Then…

Something snapped in me

And I confessed something I had been to spineless to admit, instead letting Tina take the blame

“It was me” I whispered “I was the one that initiated things in New York” no point in denying it anymore, if I was going to lose her or the both of them I best be honest about everything

Carly wouldn’t look at me so I followed her gaze, urging her to look at me.

I think this might be the first time that I had left her speechless.

“Please say something” I pressed

Her eyes meet mine, searching for who knows what but it couldn’t be good. She looked at me with… I want to say resentment but I couldn’t tell to be quite honest.