Whats your name? The older womans calm demeanor and smooth voice settle my rage as her eyes meet mine.

Tina Kennard, I respond. Someone called

I know Ms. Kennard, she interrupts. Dr. Anderson is expecting you. After her words to me, the older woman turns to the receptionist, would you walk Ms. Kennard and her friends back to the family waiting area? Now! Her final word is quiet, but forceful enough to make the receptionist jump.

I walk through the door connecting the waiting room to the rest of the emergency department. Following the receptionist past the nurses station I notice a large marker board. Glancing at it I realize it contains namesthat must be how they track their patients. I turn to continue down the hall when I do a double take. There it isstaring back at mePorter, BGSW. GSW? What does that mean? GSW. I consider each letter individually then together. GSW. Gunshotwound? My breath catches as I think of the words. Did someone shoot Bette? Or did she shoot herself? Would she do that? Would Bette try to kill herself? Why would she do that? Isnt it obvious Tina? Shes devastated that she lost you. But why would she have slept with someone else? Because she didnt know you would come back to her. She saw you at Milk and she thought you didnt love her anymore. But thats not trueI DO love her. Baby, you cant die on me. PLEASE! My silent pleas go apparently unanswered as a nurse walks to the board and, with a think red marked, draws a single line through Bettes name. This simple act sends my mind into a frenzy. My thoughts trace back to everything thats happened over the past year. We were so hopeful about starting a familythen we lost the babyBette opened the biggest exhibit of her careerand nowshes gone.and she thought I didnt love her anymore. I feel a set of arms wrap around me just as my knees buckle. The strong arms guide me to a nearby chair and ease me to a sitting position. I place my elbows on my knees and lower my face into my hands. This situation reminds me of the night I found out I had lost the baby. Is no longer thriving, the doctor said. I needed Bette with me that dayI need her with me now. I dont know if I can go on without herin spite of everything shes done.I need her. I want to feel her arms around me like I did that night. Her arms always made me feel protected when I was in them. Ill never get a chance to tell her how she made me feelto thank her for helping me through so much pain with the babyand that I still and always will love her. Shes my first, last, and forever.*