Chapter Twenty-Five

BP narration

I was sitting at Tina’s bed in the hospital. I felt so guilty. If I had just called her, as I had told her I would, this wouldn’t have happened.

The doctors didn’t have much hope and only the thought of losing her was more than I could bear. It was as if my brain just couldn’t imagine that situation.

It made me see how fragile life is. It can be over in a second. Death doesn’t care about justice, about who doesn’t deserve to die.

Tina didn’t. She was the most wonderful woman I had ever met and she was just extraordinary. She was so kind and warm. Without her, I made no sense. I couldn’t function. It was hard for me to sleep. I stayed by her side as long as I was allowed.

Alice, Shane, Dana… all of them tried their best to be there for me and I appreciated their concern, but I wanted to be alone with Tina. I knew I would never take her for granted again.

I had tried to do some work, but I just couldn’t concentrate. It all seemed so useless, so pointless. There I was, organising fucking expositions while the woman that meant more to me than anything in the world could die soon. Art, for the first time in my life, seemed meaningless. And that was a very clear sign of how much I loved Tina.

Doctor Parker, who was treating Tina, had told me in a very careful, doctor-like way I should start making certain arrangements. I had to take the possibility of her death into account. I know what he meant. He wanted to tell me I should be thinking of her funeral, of her last wishes. But I didn’t allow myself to do that. I had to be there.

I was sitting in the chair, my eyes closed. The door opened silently, but I heard it immediately. I looked up and saw Shane hesitating, as if she was not sure whether she was allowed to come in. With a nod, I told her she was.
She sat down in the other chair and looked at Tina. Tears were forming in her eyes. Shane never cried, but she didn’t try to hide it now. There was silence, we both didn’t really know what to say. Eventually, it was Shane who spoke first.