I had little idea where I was I had parked the car at the hotel and set off on foot still dressed in the clothes I had borrowed from Bette that day. I had been walking for hours and my feet were raw but some how that felt good. The city was vast and yet inviting at the same time it had a buzz that drew you to it. I stated to wonder then what my next move would be. It was habit I guess to plan, just the way I am. I knew I had a long way to go. My heart still ached with every beat but for the first time it was not the only thing that I was feeling. If I could learn to feel the other things more over time I was sure that I could live again. These were odd thoughts for me I was such a logical person and this whole situation was being resolved with no sense or reason. Never would I have thought it but giving in to that letting myself follow a path that I did not choose seemed to be helping me find my way home.

I found myself at the jazz bar I had visited two nights ago and went in allowing the music to sooth me again. I realised something as I sat there if I were to be myself again, in whatever form a whole person then I would not do that living in New York. The realization broke my heart; I would have to leave my daughters there unattended by my constant vigils and Rachel would have to consent to leave the restaurant if she wished truly to be with me. But still the city was to sad for me now where as before I had come to love it as if it were a person now I knew that it had died for me. We were going to be different, I knew there was no way we would be the same, so maybe we could be better stronger in a different place. I considered how some might consider us to be running away and I knew for sure that Peggy would be truly upset but it dawned on me then that putting everyone else first had put me in this position so now I would put only myself and Rachel first and hopefully it would all come together.