‘You need me around.’

’I do.’ I state completely serious. For a moment I look up at the sky, I know Renee is not there but right this moment I would like to think that she is. While tasting the mix of tears and rain on my lips, I look back at Bette, my thumbs brush away the tears from her cheeks, her sad eyes captivating me. Suddenly the words leave my mouth uncontrollably. ‘I’m not ready to give up on us, not before giving us a last chance. I…I’m asking you to stay. Just stay please. I will too…. whether it’s here or in LA… wherever you want. I’m sure that’s all it takes. I hope that is enough… because it’s all I have to offer.’

I’m just as shocked as her, her lips move, but no word comes out. I wait, wide eyed, heart in my mouth. ‘I….’

‘Ah, here you are.’ Helena hugs me and then Bette, inwardly I’m cursing her sense of timing. ‘Are you ok?’

‘I’m fine, I’m fine.’ I glance one more time at Bette before we follow Helena into the bar.

‘I’ll be back soon I have to…’ Bette vaguely points behind her and I can only nod as she disappears into the crowd.

‘It was a beautiful service.’

‘Yeah it was.’

‘Are you sure you’re ok?’ Helena asks as we lean against the corner of the bar overlooking the space filled with Renee’s friends and acquittances. Befitting a good French funeral everyone is drinking wine and there’s a huge variety of traditional food the smell making me nauseous.

‘Did anyone ever tell you that you have the worst timing ever?’

‘What do you mean?’ She asks while trying to get the attention of the bartender, by leaning over the bar and waving impatiently like someone who isn’t used to having to wait for anything.

‘I just asked Bette to stay.’ I mumble turning my wedding ring, almost as fanatically as Helena was just waving at the bartender. ’Well, actually I think I just asked her for another chance.’

‘What? Now?!’

‘Fuck.’

‘Two Gin Tonics please. One with double Gin.’ She orders with a skeptical look at me.

‘I fucked up didn’t I?’ I burry my head in my hands, while I would rather bang it on the bar.