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    Uncharted Territory

    ‘I went into the room… the uhm nursery… just before I left to the airport.. to come here.’ I swallow and search for words that are somewhere, I know they are. They have to be – I need them. ‘The door was locked. When did you lock it? Was it after the last appointment that I missed?’

    Resting her head back against the wall, her hands wrapped around her knees, she stares at me. Silent but loud. Earsplitting.

    ‘So I went in.’ I gather courage to continue. ‘The canopy.. it wasn’t white anymore.. it was that broken white, dirty forgotten white… and the crib… it was still the cutest I ever saw…the most beautiful too.. but it had a layer of dust on it.’ I close my eyes briefly. I don’t even want to think how much dust it gathered till now. ‘He was also still there.’ I motion at the patient teddy bear in my hands, but she refuses to look at it and holds my gaze. ‘I can’t remember a day in LA you laughed as much as when we assembled the crib. I was so happy that day.. you were too right?’ I ask rhetorically. ‘When we were done you put him at the pillow even though you were teasing me when I insisted on buying him. And then we sat on the ground, admiring our work and I told you I can’t wait.’ I slide down from the bed and sit opposite of her. ‘And I couldn’t… I couldn’t wait. So much that it consumed me. Overwhelmed. Almost unbearably. Until it petrified me.’ I squeeze the bear so tightly that his eyes can pop out any moment. ‘I…I can’t tell you the exact moment. I know it creeped in slowly, almost unnoticeably. But one morning I woke up and… well I realized that I had no clue about how to be a parent. I told you it was about finances, but that was only half the truth…. I never had a good example. You know… my mother… fuck that… I don’t want to put things on her. It’s on me.’ Giving the teddy bear a chance to breath and myself as well I fix his little bow tie. She follows my gestures meticulously, her eyes caressing the fur. ‘What could I possibly offer our kid? Could I give her everything that she needs.. give enough love, would I know what to do when she is sick? Could I be the perfect role model…teach her to choose the right path.. teach her how to be happy, how to love.. For you that would come natural but I would probably fuck it up….and disappoint not only you but both of you.’

    No matter how hard she bites her lip she can’t prevent a tear from rolling. And then another one and another one escapes the so well put up barriers and her pain seeps through in each and every one of them.

    ‘And that’s the full truth of how I started fucking up the best thing that ever happened to me, until everything slipped away and there was nothing left.’ I swallow a few times, I’m almost there. ‘I wanted nothing more than to be the best wife, a romantic lover, the most selfless provider, and one day, the world’s best mom together with you. I failed miserably but I still do. I do… I’m not sure how but maybe you could show me.. one day. When we’re both ok again.’ I move and sit down next to her against the wall, placing the bear in her lap. ‘Perhaps you want to keep him safe till then.’

    I hold my breath as she breathes out. Picking up the teddy she rests her head on my shoulder and whispers through her tears. ‘Jour’ Day. She’s here.

    Comments

    1. I got a lump in my throat after reading this story.

      Bette who brought back old memories that were so painful but also gave her insight into her emotional state at the time.

      Both Bette and Tina have done things wrong in their relationship such as discussing what they feel and want, what they are afraid of. And now they are both bombarded with a feeling of guilt, a feeling that they must work on together and individually.
      Bette has already taken the first small step by talking and giving the teddy bear to Tina.

      It takes time to get their relationship back to normal, let them take that time but make sure they do good and fun things so that they also have a positive feeling or memory in the time when things are a bit more difficult.

      A great story!

    2. B

      This story is a lost gem. I began it when you started it, but life and all, well I forgot about it. I came across it yesterday and began rereading.

      You beautifully capture the emotional drift, longing, loneliness and most def guilt. Tina has her guilt it is tangible. It was a bad choice and act that she can put her finger on, but Bette…. Her guilt is more subtle, deep in the layers of time. It was a gradual act, one that is not easily recognized. Having her come to realize it and put it out there, taking blame for her part in all the mess.

      So well written.

      K

    3. This story is so much more then just ff. It’s more like a novel. Tibette is portrayed more as real people then just that perfect couple that no one sees in real life. It’s breathtakingly beautiful. So many times I had lump in my throat reading it. So many times I was just speachless. Thank you for taking your time to write such wonderful story. I really can’t wait for more.

    4. I’m so inconsistent when I comment other people’s story but this one is very special to me. I’m still heartbroken over chapter 16 and only one other story ever made me feel that way. It was “…the eternal rocks beneath…”, also on LesFan.

      I don’t know if you have any plans to ever post the next chapters, but if you do, gosh I would fall at your feet with gratitude. This story is way too good to be left unfinished.

      • Hi Cam,

        Of course we’re going to finish it. Just life took over for a little while. This story is too dear to us, to not finish it. Thank you and everyone else for your great comments and support. Truly appreciated!

        Just have a little more patience.. we will be back soon and do our best not to dissapoint!

        Have a nice weekend.

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