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‘I went into the room… the uhm nursery… just before I left to the airport.. to come here.’ I swallow and search for words that are somewhere, I know they are. They have to be – I need them. ‘The door was locked. When did you lock it? Was it after the last appointment that I missed?’
Resting her head back against the wall, her hands wrapped around her knees, she stares at me. Silent but loud. Earsplitting.
‘So I went in.’ I gather courage to continue. ‘The canopy.. it wasn’t white anymore.. it was that broken white, dirty forgotten white… and the crib… it was still the cutest I ever saw…the most beautiful too.. but it had a layer of dust on it.’ I close my eyes briefly. I don’t even want to think how much dust it gathered till now. ‘He was also still there.’ I motion at the patient teddy bear in my hands, but she refuses to look at it and holds my gaze. ‘I can’t remember a day in LA you laughed as much as when we assembled the crib. I was so happy that day.. you were too right?’ I ask rhetorically. ‘When we were done you put him at the pillow even though you were teasing me when I insisted on buying him. And then we sat on the ground, admiring our work and I told you I can’t wait.’ I slide down from the bed and sit opposite of her. ‘And I couldn’t… I couldn’t wait. So much that it consumed me. Overwhelmed. Almost unbearably. Until it petrified me.’ I squeeze the bear so tightly that his eyes can pop out any moment. ‘I…I can’t tell you the exact moment. I know it creeped in slowly, almost unnoticeably. But one morning I woke up and… well I realized that I had no clue about how to be a parent. I told you it was about finances, but that was only half the truth…. I never had a good example. You know… my mother… fuck that… I don’t want to put things on her. It’s on me.’ Giving the teddy bear a chance to breath and myself as well I fix his little bow tie. She follows my gestures meticulously, her eyes caressing the fur. ‘What could I possibly offer our kid? Could I give her everything that she needs.. give enough love, would I know what to do when she is sick? Could I be the perfect role model…teach her to choose the right path.. teach her how to be happy, how to love.. For you that would come natural but I would probably fuck it up….and disappoint not only you but both of you.’
No matter how hard she bites her lip she can’t prevent a tear from rolling. And then another one and another one escapes the so well put up barriers and her pain seeps through in each and every one of them.
‘And that’s the full truth of how I started fucking up the best thing that ever happened to me, until everything slipped away and there was nothing left.’ I swallow a few times, I’m almost there. ‘I wanted nothing more than to be the best wife, a romantic lover, the most selfless provider, and one day, the world’s best mom together with you. I failed miserably but I still do. I do… I’m not sure how but maybe you could show me.. one day. When we’re both ok again.’ I move and sit down next to her against the wall, placing the bear in her lap. ‘Perhaps you want to keep him safe till then.’
I hold my breath as she breathes out. Picking up the teddy she rests her head on my shoulder and whispers through her tears. ‘Jour’ Day. She’s here.