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Valediction (One/Three)
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Alice
I think I fell asleep after I’d cried for a few hours. I felt so shitty for just shutting the door on Dana like that, but for some stupid reason I just couldn’t let myself break down in front of her. I guess I must have been clinging to the hope that if I was strong around her, it’d give her strength, and she’d be able to fight it off and beat it again.
Even as the thought went through my head, I knew it was stupid. I knew just as well as she did that this time, it was different. This time, no matter how many times I held her after chemo made her so fucking sick, no matter how much research I did that might give us hope, no matter how much I refused to let her give up, it wasn’t going to work. The shitty thing was that I knew that as much as I know that I love her. It was a certainty, a sure thing, and I don’t even know why the hell I was so sure of that. But I was, and I knew, just from looking at her at the doctor’s office, that she knew it too.
Somewhere between the news sinking in and the sinking feeling I felt laying in our bed, I started to daydream. That’s such a bad description, and it’s not even really accurate. I was trying to remember, to get lost in my head more than I was trying to distance myself from the situation. You’d think I’d be better with words by now, but as weird as it might sound given our careers, Dana’s always known the right word long before I figure it out.
The first time we dealt with the cancer was a lot tougher than the second, and it was due more to the relationship we had than the disease itself. That sounds horrible, doesn’t it? Like I cared more about how she was treating me than the sickness that was eating her alive. It wasn’t like that at all, though.
I guess, more than anything, the first appearance of the cancer made me fear my own regression into the person I’d worked so hard not to be. It had taken a lot of time and effort and arguments and late-night talks, but we managed to work through all the shit that happened when Lara came back into the picture and I, for lack of a better term, went off the deep end. I’d like to say that we stayed together through our own efforts, but that’d be a blatant lie. I think that if it weren’t for Shane, she’d have left me…and looking back on it now, she’d have had every reason to.
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I hate to just repeat what everyone else said…but yeah, wow. I don’t think I’ve ever cried from fan fic before, but tears actually welled up in my eyes by the 3rd page of this. I almost didn’t read it because I want to live in a delusional fan fic universe where Dana dying of cancer is never part of the equation, but I love your writing so much I couldn’t resist. I’m bracing myself for the outcome, but I know it’ll be worth it if the next 2 chapters are anything like this one (and I’m sure they will be).
Awesome!! That’s all I can say with a lump in my throat.
Perfect.
You.Slayed.Me. That was pretty fucking great.
Wow. I Don’t even know what to say it’s just amazing
Wow…that’s pretty much all there is to say. I’m supposed to be writing a paper, but i stopped to see if anything new was posted and i’m glad i did! This is such an awesome story, its so real. Please continue and SOON!
Dana’s death really was handled poorly on the show, both last season and this one (so far), so I’m interested to see your interpretation. This was an excellent first chapter, though I know the heartbreak is coming. Thanks
you got me all so teary eyes :'( liking the closure that we certainly didn’t get on the show. also the first person-thing. it’s done perfect :)
I lost my longest friend recently to cancer so this opened those wounds. It is a poingnant story and well constructed and written so the reader is a participant. Please continueJackie E
Ok, I just have to say that I pretty much started crying on the second page, and now that I’m finished I still can’t stop crying. That was…my God. There are no words for all the love and emotion you just created between the two. 5 pages of your story proved their love more than storyline IC could have written. Please post the rest of this story soon, although I’ll have to remember to grab an entire box of tissues next installment. Great job.
Amazing! I love how you are writing this…I like the 1st person angle, it works! I am almost crying, but I am at work and that makes me want to cry on its own…no seriously you have a gift! Looking fwd to all your posts for all your stories (YOU, Weather the Storm and now Valediction)
really good and so sad.