Finally Alistair had given me a break from the pressure he burdened so heavily,  it seemed Jay was starting to grow up now. It had been so long since I was able to relax and be alone with my thoughts.

Maybe it wasn’t a matter of choosing between Frankie or Sam anymore it was who would make me happy. With every kiss I betrayed Sam and I was unsure if she could forgive my infidelity. I had to come clean, she didn’t deserve this. I was actually deeply disgusted in my behaviour and libido. I had plenty of opportunity to stop myself before all this spiralled into an affair. I could feel the heat that brushed my skin with each set of tears that soaked my cheeks. This was all it was. An affair. At some point in time Frankie had me; all of me. I know she has told me time and time again she just wasn’t ready for us to be a couple then. It makes this decision harder because she has known me longer than anyone else, but how could i be so naive to not see she could use my weaknesses to get actually what she’s wanted all along: ME!!!

Frankie would always have a special place in my heart, but I finally realize she doesn’t hold that same fire burning love that my heart has held for Sam since day one. With Sam she always made me nervous, the first time we met I could hardly speak without digging myself a grave. Her sheepish smile caused me not to care so much or take myself seriously in moments like those. Being myself came naturally, she liked my odd quarks and if someone could love me because of that surely it was meant to be?

How is it I got myself caught up in this sticky situation? The only conclusion i can come to is that i had a moment of temporary insanity and that i clearly wasn’t thinking straight, if at all. I let history repeat itself in the worse possible way. And now i could lose the one person who made me believe in love again. Has fought for me, even though i gave her plenty of reasons not too. Including Frankies fucked up behaviour that nearly destroyed us in the very beginning.