I let my tears fall silently onto my pillow the sound of my muffled sobs as I tried hard to breathe.

‘Sam can you make it home for dinner? We really need to talk as soon as. Cat xxx’

It was like a game that had gone horribly wrong, i couldn’t continue to lie. Not only was I hurting the one person  I loved, deep down I had been lying to myself. I couldn’t contemplate what was worse. The fact i had this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach or how Sam would react to my confession.

I couldn’t move, nor was I sure I wanted to. Hours had past and I was still positioned in the exact same spot. The thud of vibration from my phone broke my trance.

‘I won’t be home late promise. Is it bad or good? Just want to prepare myself and maybe have some Dutch courage before coming home. Love you S xx

How could I text her to say it was bad news. She knew I worried if she was late home or she was working on a case through the night. Her job wasn’t quite as simple as a 9-5. But nonetheless she had been trying extremely hard to be home at a reasonable hour as much as that sometimes meant she sacrificed work outings and the general socializing she had become accustom to before we got together.

As I thought about the sacrifices this woman had made for me; for us. I felt riddled with guilt. I had moaned about her being home on time for dinner when she would have to work late I was fucking Frankie in between meals sometimes. I couldn’t believe this was me that had done this. I had done this with my previous girlfriend the one I left for Frankie. That should have told me right then and there it was a no go area. Things change and people do too, just now it was like I was having an epiphany. Frankie’s love was that of the green-eyed monster, whenever she couldn’t have me that’s when she loved me the most.

Our relationship had always been complicated but most of all I think she was my best friend foremost. Through out our teens I spent most of my years trying to be cool like Frankie. But failing miserable, she was always too cool for school. Where as I thought school was cool. The differences between us back then didn’t matter, it just made me love her all that more. She was everything I dreamt I could be but still she had this pull on me whenever I was finally happy. Frankie always knew I craved love that was deeper than words and more than just actions. Something you could feel with every waking breath and every time you went to sleep. That was always the kind of love I wanted. Someone I could be myself around let my guard down; allow myself to open up. But if I’m honest Frankie would never let me be me. Not truly. I was always the sensible one; she was the free spirit. That bothered me. At some point in life you have to be grounded. No exactly what you want. And I see it now. It’s her I want.