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Is this what it feels like to have your heart ripped apart? I did nothing but love Rose, yes I pushed her to do things. Beyond what I think she even thought possible. That’s what relationships are about give and take. To grow to make the other person better. I know, it was hard for her to accept herself. But to go and do what she did, it hurts. I have come to some conclusion. I’m not going to stand in the way, no matter how hard it is.
Rejection is a beast of a thing, and it bit hard. Standing there looking as someone only minutes earlier had declared their love for you. Kiss another girl, it’s terrible, it’s like your whole world goes Into slow motion. You play events over and over in your head. Did I do something wrong? Did I push to hard?
What’s worse is that deep down, I knew I was always going to be second best. Those pictures on her wall with Vanessa and Kenny. How on earth was I ever going to compete with that. Friendships like her and Vanessa have run deep. Impenetrable. I just hoped against that backdrop she would forget her. She would get to the point that I was enough for her. Those old fashioned mixed tapes I made her. Those trips to the cinema, immersed in each other totally transfixed. She even was understanding when she was outed. I should have known better.
Then Vanessa left home and Rose changed. She became distant, more so that usual. It’s sometimes hard to pin down what she actually thinks. God knows I have tried to, but I always seem to come up short. Even when I think, I have gotten somewhere the door slams in my face. Metaphorically not physically, I’m sure she will not resort to that one.
I gave her everything, but it wasn’t enough. It hurts like mad. There’s nothing I can do, call it resignation of fate. I don’t know if I can forgive her.
Part of me wants nothing more than to get answers. Why? It’s one word, one tiny three letter inconspicuous word. But it defines me right now. Why did Rose not tell me about her true feelings? Why Vanessa had to ruin everything? Why have I put my neck on the line and been treated so badly?