She shakes her head back and forth, “I’m not leaving you Ash, until you’re okay again”

And she didn’t. That night, when she found me I didn’t know it at the time but she chose me over her life. Ending her short lived career at her University in order to keep an eye on me. She told me that she was already done with her classes, had I known that she left before finishing out the term I would have never allowed her to babysit me. It had taken a good week for my sister to convince me to go to the Carlin Vermont house for the Holiday Break, for the first time I had something to look forward to, an ounce of hope, a shred of anticipation.

“You said she was coming” I heard hushed whispers coming from one of the rooms as I walked the hallway

“She was supposed to”

I recognized the voices as my sister’s and Spencer’s friend Kyla.

“Ashley is going to be crushed when she finds out” Blake sighed

“When I find out what?” I ask, pushing the already cracked door open even more as I walked in

They both looked at each other, silently communicating, afraid they’d break me. At that point it didn’t even really matter.

“Spencer…she’s, she’s not coming at all is she?” I ask, already knowing the answer by the looks on their faces

“I’m sorry Ash”  Kyla spoke up

“Yeah, she had to stay behind” Blake added with a shrug

“Right”

After that I don’t remember much, I was picked up and on the next train to anywhere that wasn’t there. Eventually I made my way home and fell back into the cycle that I just worked so hard to get out of. Ultimately I was tracked down and brought back a reality where I wasn’t trusted, always watched, and always sober. The move was another wake up call, I saw it as a fresh start, at least my family made me see it that way. I was down to my last warning, the next episode and I was going to be shipped away.

Our friends could always keep a secret when they wanted to, they had no problem butting into other people’s lives but they sure could keep a secret. Blindsided would be an understatement when I walked into the kitchen of the house that I was dragged to for a random party with my sister and brother. I would never be able to tell you the mechanics or what they had to go through to keep it from me, the fact that I now lived in the same town as the one girl who probably never wanted to see me again. Her eyes pierced through my own, my breath was taken from me, my feet were cemented and I was trying to tell my body to move. I couldn’t, all I could do was stare at the blonde in front of me thinking of my next move. Kiss her, run away again, beg for her forgiveness, tell her I loved her, it was all so confusing. Thoughts were jumbled in my head, I felt dizzy and lightheaded, I couldn’t take my eyes off of her even with the confusion and chaos from the other people’s voices in the room. I could still read her, my eyes picking up the cues her facial expressions were making, from shocked to confusion to contemplation to anger to scared to panicked, and then she was gone. It wasn’t until I felt a strong hand on my back pushing me towards the door that I realized I was chasing after her. I didn’t even know what to say.