’I did appreciate the stability it provided,’ I contemplated, engaging in my internal dialogue. ’But I couldn’t bear the control Erik exerted over my life. It felt as if I were a marionette, and he held all the strings.’

’You never told me about your time in LA.’ She said resting her head on her arm as her fingers lazily played with my hair.

’You didn’t ask.’ I smiled. It was a simple statement, not an accusation. I glimpsed the distant silhouette of the Eiffel Tower, rising against the backdrop of the night sky’s deep ink-blue canvas. I was truly home.

’I was afraid of what I might hear,’ Tina confessed with a sigh, and avoided my gaze. ’I know how awful this sounds but I couldn’t stand the thought that you might be doing well. Away from here, away from me.’

’Even if you’d asked, there wouldn’t be much to tell. My entire time there is a complete blur. I was grieving.’ I said remembering the void that had taken residence within my chest, hollowing me out, leaving me adrift in a sea of nothingness. ’I would wake up thinking about you and our unborn daughter, I would go to the gallery thinking the same, do my job, go back, eat or not and go to bed – thinking about the two of you, praying I would have more luck the next day with falling asleep. It was a black hole.’

’I’m sorry,’ Tina whispered.

’There was nothing you could do about it. Any of it,’ I assured her, my thumb tenderly caressing her cheek.

”No, I mean, I’m sorry that I couldn’t… you know,” Tina’s voice quivered, tears welled in her eyes. ’I was so happy and wanted it so badly, but my body…’

’Come here,it’s not your fault, there’s nothing wrong with your body.’ I said quietly, drawing her closer. A faint murmur of the city’s heartbeat reached my ears, a distant symphony of laughter, car horns, and the occasional melodies of street musicians drifted in. ’I often think about how it would be, we would be preparing for her first birthday around this time. She would start to get up by herself and make a mess eating with her fingers, she would be so cute and drive us nuts.’ A soft chuckle escaped between my tears and the butterfly kisses on Tina’s temple. ’Her little hands would turn the pages of the bedtime story I’d read, and she’d say her first word, calling you ’mama’.’