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A Discourse on Desire..Chapter 16
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“i hope she loves me, she does…does? if she does i hate her more for what she is doing to both of us, please speak to me please look at me without clouded eyes…i don’t want our
shadows covering us making us smaller making us *****, more ***** than we already are”
“we are so cruel to each other, we hurt each other in order to punish ourselves for what we are doing, there is something sweet in this punishment….i feel pleasure just looking
at her”
“‘her’…i can’t name her…BETTE…such a short sharp name, like the pain she causes me..short sharp and fatal”
“i wait for her, i wait for her to say something, something that just alludes to her feelings for me…and i will confess to her when she can admit we share something more than just
our bodies”
“today she came to me and we made love, gently for the first time…..it was the most painful thing i have ever done…for it confirms my worst fears. i am in love with Bette, and from
the way she treated me i know she loves me. but she will not leave her husband nor acknowledge it, she treats me like a vacation. i said she was the worst thing and i took
delight in seeing her face, she knows it’s true, she is hurt and good..it’s good she is hurt”
“i can’t stand this pain anymore, i fell in love at first sight, seeing her bring those cookies….”
“i hate her but love her hate her but love her if she will love me i will love her more”
“i love her voice i love her face i love her skin i love her ***** i love her hair i love her pride i love her mind i love the way she turns pages the way she walks i lover i love her”
“love….i use that word too much, it’s lost it’s impact but not it’s meaning”
“i wrote this poem while taking a bath….***** Bette ***** her ***** myself ***** life ***** death im such a selfish *****, melodramatic *****!
I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.
I love you only because it’s you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.
Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.
In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood. “
“im going to a series of workshops and seminars for work..this is my ‘vacation’ from this wretched place, when i come back i will come back with a man, i don’t want to ever
look at Bette again…..but if she will look at me….my hate will be forgotten and she will be my light, until the hate comes back, if it does….it always seems to, she always makes it so”
“resolution: To not love her, no matter what she does or says to the contrary…it will only end in…something bad”
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Wow. Please post again soon. . .I hope Tina doesn’t come back with a man.
Damn! That was some deep sh*t! Good chpater! Please continue.
….continue
Eep! You need to hurry up and post. Brilliant chapter!
wow..crap! with this knowledge will Bette ever speak her mind?..pls don’t let Tina come back with a man!…i can really feel Tina’s inner conflict….post soon!(“,)
I’ve never commented before, but I just want to say that this story is fantastic. Some have criticised you for not writing Bette and Tina like they are in the show, but I disagree with them. Your version of Bette and Tina, to me, seems to be the ‘dark side’ of B&T. That if you were to cut away all the redeeming characteristics they possess, like Tina’s patience and Bette’s ambition, this is what you’d be left with. In a way that’s more real, everyone has a dark side including B&T and you have explored this area of them that so often is left unseen. I also love the way you write, I’ll admit there are times when it makes me uncomfortable to the point where I can barely read it, but that’s what good writing is stuff that really takes you to the extremes… And your writing certainly does that.
Oh and you like Arcade Fire? Your taste in music is just as good as your stories.
Enjoying the story but it is certainly different than any other beginning for our girls. I can only describe this story as an underside of the girls that we know as we do, maybe dark side would be a better description. Very different. Please don’t let Tina come back with a man. Oh my, that would really ruin things. Thanks.
Still lovin this story! poor confused Tina gotta feel for her! so Bettes got some work ahead especially if Tina comes back with a man!!! and im looking forward to reading all the details…lol thanks really enjoying it.
Tina is in so much pain..Bette is the one to do something or she will lose tina for good..i hope they talk a heart to heart talk..great chappy post soon thanks :o)
CAss that was some deep shit, way to put it down like that.
Yeah, these two girls need to TALK!!!!!
what did tina expect from bette she new she was married when she got involved.
all i can say is wow wow, wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh god..gotta read the next one
Damn damn this is deep and wow, they need to talk to each other, sad to see them like this!