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Anybody Seen My Baby?
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“Tina?” a scratchy voice came from Dana’s direction. “Thank *****
god.” She said before flipping back over and pulling a newspaper over
her head. “Thank ***** god.”
“Guys? What the ***** happened last night? And where the ***** is Bette?”
Tina asked. “What the *****!” Tina shrieked as a hand grabbed her ankle
in a firm grip.
“Teeeeennnnnnaaa.” A pile on the floor moaned, it was Alice. “What the
f-” Alice said as she spit a lime wedge out of her mouth. “I swear if
you ever leave again-I will hunt you down.”
“Is someone going to tell me what is going on?” Tina asked again.
“I will.” Shane said as she rubbed her eyes. “Well after days of
dealing with ***** ‘El Diablo’ we went and got her drunk. It just
didn’t end well”
“*****!” Alice yelled as she spit another lime out of her mouth. “Am I ***** reproducing limes now? What the *****?”
“Al. Jesus. Shut up.” Shane snapped. “Anyway, so Ms. Angry-Porter quickly turned into crying drunk Porter.”
“Crying, SINGING Porter.” Alice countered.
“Yeah. There was some singing.” Shane agreed.
“Oh *****.” Tina exhaled.
“You haven’t heard the best part.” Alice smirked. “Mopey-***** made us
come back to your house and watch your wedding videotwice. Then we had
to sit through the entire ‘Bette and Tina’ storyunedited might I add.”
“Oh god.” Tina cried as she hid her face in her hands.
“Pretty much. Then Bette decided that she wasn’t going to sleep in this
house without you for another night, so she went and slept in the
backyard.” Shane explained.
“Are you freaking kidding me?” Tina mumbled into her hands which were still covering her face.
“I wish.” Shane replied.
“Unedited?” Tina asked.
”Unedited.” Shane said.
“Tina I had no idea that you could even.” Alice started.
“Alice if you want to live you’ll never finish that sentence.” Tina warned.
“I’m just saying I didn’t know two people could even” Alice tried again.
“Alice!” Tina yelled. “That’s itI’m going to find my wife.” Tina said as she headed towards the backyard.
“Guys? Should we go?” Shane asked.
“Probably. They are going to start ***** like bunnies as soon as
Bette wakes up.” Alice smirked. “*****! I’m like a freaking lime factory
over here.” Alice yelled as she pulled another lime wedge from her bra.
“Saving that for later Al?” Shane laughed.
“Shut up you two.” Dana yelled as she rustled under her newspaper
blanket. “Oh godwhere am I? Am I in the street? Am I a homeless
person?” Dana started to panic as she woke up.
“Danesettle. I need a shot before you start with the questions.” Shane
yawned. “Let’s leave before the magical ***** bunnies rear their horny
little heads.” Alice said as she pulled another lime wedge out of her
hair.
Suddenly a loud “T!” could be heard coming from the backyard.
“They really are so *****’ cute.” Shane said.
“***** that. I almost got decapitated with a tennis racket.” Dana argued.
“Guys. Can we please get the ***** out of here before I start shooting
Limeade out of my *****.” Alice said as she made her way towards the
door.
“Limeade? Your *****? What the *****? Did I miss something?” Dana asked as she followed Alice outside.
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The gang and everyone else lived through hell while Tina was gone. Yet you made it so darn funny it was beautiful, Tina should slip in town a day early and see what everyone goes through, thanks
Oh God I am laughing so hard. You are my hero for this story it’s fantastic. I do actually write ahead and then read them back to they make sense if you don’t mind the unedited typos and shit email me and I will send you the next 9 or so chapters for preview but I warn you they may change and you become responsible for comments back. Just kidding it Jwetshtein@mindspring.com
I’m sick and practicly died from trying to breathe and laugh my ass off at the same time, lol.
I love your playful stories.
Limeade HAHAHAHA.
Man, that was the freakin’ funniest story I’ve read in ages! I was laughing out loud and looked like in idiot in public (not that I’m not used to that!).
You write comedy like I wish I could. Alice and her limes! Ha! I loved it!
This was so hilarious it had me in tears. I especially liked:
What?†Someone from one table over asked. “Tina’s gone for a week?â€
“Yeah.†Shane replied as she contemplated whether or not she’d be able to sneak past Bette and into the safety of her truck without being spotted.
“Fuck.†The woman replied. She quickly turned to her friends. “Guys, Tina’s out of town. Let’s get out of here.†Everyone at the crowded table seemed to disappear within seconds of hearing the news.
And this was hilarious too…
“Fuck that. I almost got decapitated with a tennis racket.†Dana argued.
THANK YOU for making my day!!
Funny as hell! Ithink you captured a great side of Bette…could totally see her like this. The limes and Alice had me laughing outloud in my office.
Hilarious!! Loved it.
that was freakin hysterical….great job.
hilarious! you made me laugh…loved the story!
I have to say I was laughing out loud at this one. This was too funny. Keep it up!!!
absolutley extraordinary. Your uncanny ability to weave such humor into your stories is brilliant.
Holy Shit! I am so glad Jwet told me to read this. Absolutely hilarious.
JWET recommended your story and I’m SO glad….I haven’t laughed this hard in a long, long time. Laughing….crying…..need more Kleenex! Your writing is amazing….I could picture all of them! Do we get the “unedited” version of Alice and how ALL those limes arrived at their various locations????? Thanks again, please post often…need more laughs!!
Very fucking funny; absolutely loved it!
OMG!
This is the funniest history!!!!!!!
I`ve been LMAO for half an hour and i can`t get tired of reading and reading again!!!!!!
Great job! Keep on writing!!!!!!!!!!
That is the funiest story I have ever read. It was great-I loved it!!!!
This was too funny … I loved it. Keep it up.
lol…so good…post soon..
Yeah that was totally random but funny as hell, so it’s cool. Good Job.
Its 3:30 am and I am crying from laughing so hard.Great story.
That was pretty damn funny…had me laughing out loud.
That was funny! After the gloom n’ doom season, nice to have a bit of fun w/the girls.
And I can just imagine the entire clientele of The Planet living in fear of Bettezilla.
OMG! More! more! more! ROFLMAO that was too funny.
That was absolutely hilarous, you seriously rock. I loved it.
I love your stories. They’re sweet and funny. Don’t stop writting.
LMAO>…………..um, fuckin’ like bunnies………..please! :D
Far out that was funny1 I laughed my ass off! loved it.
God that was funny. I just can´t stop laughing. I can just picture Alice and lime.
Now that was amazing. Can we please have some more funny stories. Post soon.
This has surtenly made my day. Thank you
it’s a good thing i live alone, i’d hate to have to explain why i am laughing histerically at 1:30 am!!! you have all the characters down very refreshing and unique…keep it coming
it was really funny i must say…. love it….
This was absolutely hilarious! What a great way to start the day!
Real good – REAL good. More please – ?
I, however, am a moron, I can’t even SPELL genius!
Good lord that was hilarious. Loved it!
What a riot! I haven’t laughed like that in a while. I loved Bette, she was so cute. Alice was perfect…You are a comic genious! Please keep on goin’.
This is the funniest story I have read in a long time. You had me laughing from beginning to end. Wonderful!
That was just so funny. I’ll have to read it again through my tears of laughter. Excellant please continue.
Thank you for doing my favorite couple justice! Could you please contact me at betteandtinasubmissions@yahoo.com
So funny nearly peed myself
This was so far beyond just being funny!! I was laughing so hard, I think my RV was literally rocking!!! Writing something that can bring a deep belly laugh gurgling out of people is a true gift…one that you most definitely have. Thank you for your wonderful compliments. I saw my name in your author’s notes, and sat here grinning like the dork that I am. I am dribbling my “geeker joy” all over you for this perfect chapter!!
I love your writing! Do we get a part 2?
HAHAHAH! This story is soooo funny! Please keep it up!
LOVED angry Bette! Awesome.
Loved it, can use a lot more of the whipped Bette stories.
Hahahahaha! ROTFLMAO! That was f*cking funny! I love it! I probably shouldn’t be reading this at work, seeing as my bursts of loud laughter warrant curious, but confused stares from various co-workers! Funny stuff! Very funny!