“Al, you know what I think of that.   I don’t get it. And it bothers me that you have such a sad outlook.”

“Dane.” I say, reaching out to touch her. I just needed to feel her. This is meat of it all and the hardest to explain. “I know you think its bad, but I need you to listen to me, please. Just keep an open mind until I’m done. Please?”

“I’m sorry. Go ahead.” She shifts a little bit on the couch, “If you can’t look at me, can I at least hold you?” I just turn my body and lean back into her. She wraps her arms around my stomach and I reach for her hand and intertwine our fingers.

“Well, hope for the best. I know you think it’s sad, but seriously, I never found it sad. I really believe that living like that made life better for me. It let me enjoy things that other people would have found annoying. It let me not get so hurt when people walked out of my life. I never expected people to stay, so if they left, I was just happy for what I had. Does that make sense?”

She paused for a second before speaking. That’s just one of the things I love about her. She was actually thinking about it. Not just appeasing me with a quick yes, but actually thinking about it. “Yeah, it makes sense, but I still don’t like it.”

I pulled her hand to my lips and kissed her palm. “Thank you. I don’t always like that this is what I needed. But we all have to learn how to survive. And to be totally honest, you and I come from such different worlds. I’m glad you’ll never understand why I needed to think that way. I’m glad you never needed to.”

I put her hand back on my lap. “Dane, I think the reason that I keep acting like this neurotic, crazy girlfriend is that for the first time that I can remember, I can’t live with no expectations. I can’t live thinking that it’ll be ok if you leave. I’m not good expecting the worst with you. I can’t imagine my life without you. I need you. And this is different for me. I’ve always needed my friends, but not like this. Dana, I’m happy. And I love you. And I don’t want to think about what my life would be like if I lost you. And that freaks me out. Absolutely, totally freaks me out.” I take a second to collect my thoughts. My mind is a whirlwind right now. I need to calm my brain down.