At least I never had to figure out why I loved her.

“OK, so I think that because you know me so well as my best friend, you kind of think that you know me as your girl friend. And they aren’t exactly the same people.” Wait, let’s not have her think I’m Cybil. “Well, I’m the same person obviously, it’s not like I’m actually two different people. You know? It’s more that I handle things really differently. Like my expectations are different. Does that make any sense?”

“Sort of. But Al, what don’t I know about you?”

“It’s not really what you don’t know about me. It’s just that I process things differently. I have a different spin maybe. I’m not explaining this well.” I turn around to look at Dana and she has this confused look on her face. Great, this is so not going like I wanted it to.

“Ok, let me start at the beginning. Ok?”

“Please.”

“So, as my friend, when you tell me that you love me, I just take it at face value. I believe, I know it and it makes my life better. But as my girlfriend when you say that, I just don’t know how to accept it. I mean, I spent so much time in my life not believing it would ever happen. That it’s such a big difference and I don’t know what to do with it.”

I pause to take a breath and think about what I’m saying. Dana just puts her hand on my hand and gives it a little squeeze. Just reassuring me.

“I guess, when my father died, I was so young that I didn’t quite understand what I lost. But I knew enough to know I never wanted to feel that sad again. So I sort of built my life around making sure that didn’t happen. Then my mom wasn’t exactly the Donna Reed. You know? She sort of was just around, more like an older friend than a mom. I learned way too young that people leave you and not everyone loves you the way you need them to.

“So this sort of set the stage for how I live my life. You remember that whole hope for the best, expect the worst.” She totally cuts me off here.