Bette’s memories were interrupted by Tina coming out of the bathroom. Bette lay in bed, still feeling weak,but without a fever. Tina set on her side of the bed, putting lotion to her neck and arms.

”Are you feeling better?” The blonde’s voice was low. Bette was lying on her right side, facing away from her.

”Only a slight weakness”

”Do you want to talk?” 

Bette didn’t say anything and didn’t turn to face Tina.

”What’s going on? Don’t shut yourself in, it won’t make anyone feel better, you know,”  Tina looked at the back of Bette’s head and realized that Bette didn’t want to talk about it right now. Tina closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead, then started talking again.

”It’s hard for me too, okay? This trip was also difficult for me, and my memories were renewed… it’s like a knife to the heart to me, so what you feel… you’re not alone in this. Don’t pretend that you’re the only one who’s having a hard time.”

Bette started to turn to Tina, wiping away her tears at the same time. She sat up, leaning back on the bed. ”Why didn’t you write anything about her in your letter?” 

”What?”

”The letter, Tina. You wrote about all the difficulties, everything that was painful, but not a word about her.”

Tina covered her legs with a blanket and sat down in the same position as Bette. ”I can’t write about her. It’s hard for me to even think about it, let alone formulate sentences and write them down. What was I supposed to write?”

”I don’t know. Her… her death changed everything.”

After these words, Tina lowered her head and covered her face with her hands for a few seconds, then looked back at her wife.

Bette started talking again. ”The trip to New York was unbearable. It’s the first time the three of us have been there of us  since we moved in, and even the two of us weren’t there together. It was all deja vu. Everything that has surrounded us these days is a living reminder of what happened.”

”We’re not finished. And we’ll never finish. We didn’t have enough strength. But one day we must find the strength to continue therapy and try to unravel this skein as much as possible.”

”I’m afraid to talk about it, I’m even afraid to think about it intentionally. I don’t think I can handle it if I start to sort it out and unravel it, I don’t have the strength.”

”Me too. Five years have passed and I still can’t even say those words.”

”What words?” Bette turned her head to Tina.

”About what happened. I can’t say it out loud. Recently, Margot and I talked about families and children, and she showed me photos of her sons. Then she asked if you and I would like to have more children, and I just fell into stupor. She didn’t even know about Olivia and I didn’t answer her and just left, later she called, apologized, said that she didn’t want to offend, and I wasn’t offended, I just couldn’t listen to it. I couldn’t listen to another child being mentioned in the context of our family. I’m sure it looked inadequate from the outside.”

Bette stared at Tina as she spoke, then reached out and hugged her. It was a tight, strong hug that said they had each other. Bette rested her head on Tina’s shoulder, her voice a low whisper ”I want to resume therapy”

Tina pulled back, her cheeks wet with tears ”Are you ready for this?” 

Bette looked up, not wanting to cry and trying to stop the tears with this movement. ”No, I’m not ready. I’m scared, but I have to try. At least one session to see if I’m even capable of it. After coming from New York, it was like a fresh wound, like there hadn’t been any five years. I can’t stop thinking about it for a second. It seems to me that I even feel physically ill because of this. Maybe this is a sign that it’s time to finally stop hiding from it.”

They hugged again, after which Tina took her sedative pills, and Bette took a hot shower to at least wash away the weight of her thoughts and give herself a chance to sleep properly.