I see them kissing, holding hands, I see them lying in bed together and I feel like I’m going to be sick. I can’t breathe, there is no air, and there is nothing but the image of Shane and Jade. I can feel the sick taste start to rise in my chest, and the surprising sting of tears in my eyes.

“She was my mom…” what the fucking hell did she just say? “…Shay, Abigail and me.”

The shrill whistles making everyone jump, surrounding us. Her mom…her fucking mom, holy fuck I could slap her. I could beat her into a bloody pulp, I hate her. I hate her…and I want to stop her from walking away. Her back getting lost in the swarm of people that took her away from me again.

“Hey where is Shane?” I turn to look at her and I want to scream, just scream until there was nothing left.

“She’s…” all I can do is point, fuck her mom.

Her mom, her mom that’s name is Jade. All this time I’ve been the bitch that thought that she forgot me; how could I have thought she didn’t love me? I see it in her eyes and I doubt it each time, I hear her saying everything that I want to hear and I am deaf to it. “She holds my heart and always will.” that voice of an angel that drives me crazy, that clouds my head.

“Hey, Shane said that uh she’ll phone a cab or something…are you okay?” I hate myself; I hate myself more than anything for ever doubting her. I hate this searing pain in my chest, I hate that she doesn’t want to see me; who the fuck is Abigail? “Carmen?”

“Huh…oh yeah I’ll be fine. Let’s just go.” I try to find her in the crowd, to get a glimpse of her.

I’m leaving her because she wants me to, because I drove her away. Walking with Syd, holding the stupid chairs, feeling the weight in my arms. I turn one last time and I see her staring at me, a group of girls around her. The flash of a camera, the cold smile and I fear the worse; I fear that I have lost her forever.