My eyes stare blankly ahead, seeing the dresser from a side angle as it calls to me. I can not resist the urge. Got to run away from this petty world. I try to compose myself, but find myself not being able to think of nothing else instead of her, of us.  Images keep twisting in front of my eyes.

The need to drown myself into oblivion wins over my will. What doesn’t kill you make you stronger right. And that’s what I need right now, to wash away this weakness I feel. I take firm steps toward the dresser where lies my escape. I pull the drawer open slowly hoping to be caught, but no one comes no one is coming your all alone. She ain’t coming. Half hiden under my clothes lays my salvation. Sweet heroin.

Clench my fist. Get the belt…tie it around my arm making a tourniquet. I watch as my veins pop out, So much wasted love flowing through them.  But this is all I need right now. Fill it up. Give the syringe a flick. That should do it. Place the needle in my arm, it feels real. Feeling of the burning liquid pulsing through my veins the room spines out of control as the darkness takes over me and the blurring lines of reality wear fin.

There are lights shaded red, dancing and vibrating, drawing my eyes. The song in my head, says ‘This is how it will end…this is the night….” And I’m falling disappearing into thin air. Then somehow I’m in the bathroom. There is a searing pain-on my stomach I grab the shower curtains as I fall against the side of the tub. I took too much I want to puke I head to the vase the smell of toilet water permeates my lungs. I want to vomit but there is nothing inside for me to throw up. I cough struggling for air. Is this it. I cough dry blood, my blood so beautifully red.

I’m shaking “I’m going to die. Oh please, god..” this tiles are so cold. It feels like someone tried to rip out all my inner organs. I lay on the floor breathing forcibly trying to get air to reach my lungs. I could easily relate with Jenny right now there is an itch of agony buried so deep within my chest, I wish I could scratch it out of me, pierce the skin and let my blood run free. Do something instead of lying here in this floor felling numb.

I’m scared right now. I remembered you sitting here on this same floor opening your veins to bleed away your own sorrow. I’m afraid for both of us such of mess me made of this.  My heart pounds hard and fast against my chest but I’m used to the pain. The hurt you cause me is much greater.

It’s strange that what hurt me most was never the fact that Jenny didn’t love me; but rather that the love she was willing to give was simply not enough. I lean forward again my blood dripping down into the toilet and wipe the blood coming out from my nose. With my shaking hands I grab the syringe once again.

I can’t remember the exact moment that I felt her coming through the doorway taking the syringe away holding me as I clanged on. A wave of dizziness races through me, causing nausea to jump to my throat, threatening to spill over. Just like the tears I was scarcely holding behind my eyelids. History repeats itself again. Out of disorientation I wrestle her or rather with the idea of her reaching out and touching me. I have no strength left so I let her hug me.  

I try to hold on the tears, but the pain that crushes my chest betrays me and my body heaves overcome by my sobs.  I wisper “I love you”. She starts crying, great, sobbing with me. Rage boils up in my throat as I scream “Leave me alone, let me die! I just want it to end! Please.I can’t .God!” my insecurities slipping into the surface. But she holds me anyway in spite of my struggles, she holds me close and whispers “its okay, we’ll get you help” softly into my ear as I weep away a lifetime worth of pain.
And finally I now I’ll be okay. She’ll take care of me. She’ll get me help I’ll be fine.

  The End

Or not.