She looks beautiful and I am dying of jealousy and impotence and disappointment and pain and terror.

With my eyes still closed, I can ear Shane taking the photographs and putting them back into the envelope. Then, she sits down and moves her chair right beside mine. Her hand, warm and soft, rests on my thigh.

“Please, Carm, open your eyes and look at me”.

I sniffle and bite my lips. I take one last moment for myself, than I nod slowly and I watch her straight in the eyes. She’s not crying. Her eyes are full of sorrow and worry but they are still completely dry. Unlike mine.

She sighs.

“I barely remember her name. I met her at Cedars, almost one year ago”, she says, quietly.

“Was she my nurse?”, I ask under my breath.

Shane shakes her head.

“No. She was… She is John Sanders’ nurse”.

”No more can they keep us in
Listen, dammit, we will win
They see it right, they see it well
But they think this saves us from our hell”

Flashback – Some months earlier – Cedars Sinai

I don’t know why, but every time I am in this room, the rain pours with a violence and a rage that is even scary. Maybe it’s God’s signal to tell me that I am doing something wrong, that I am planning things behind Carmen’s back again. That I am lying and omitting things to her, to my wife. That I shouldn’t be here, but at home. With her.

But I am here. And it seems like I just cannot avoid this place. I need to come here once a month, at least. I’ve been doing this for almost six months now and a voice inside of me is telling me that I have to stop. That my addictive personality is reaching a point of non return with this. And I know that my inner voice is right. I have to dry out, I need to detox. These silent encounters in this room, in this hospital, are becoming my addiction.

John James Sanders lies in his bed and sleeps like a child. And all I would like to do is punch him to death. My rage never vanished. Never disappeared. I just cannot take it easy when it comes to this man.