No answer.
Not a fucking word.
Just a blinding flash followed by a violent thunder.
“Alright…”, Shane mutters nervously grabbing her room key from the nightstand.
But as she tries to walk through the door, Carmen’s hand is on her collarbone, and the gaze in her eyes is intense, piercing.
“Stay. Please, stay”.
Shane looks at her and her green eyes are burning. She clenches her jaw.
“Punish me”, she murmurs then, through her grit teeth.
Carmen frowns.
“What?”.
“Punish me. Come on. I know what’s happened to you is all my fault. I know that you’re pissed as hell. I know that you’re hurt. I know how you’re feeling…”.
“No, you don’t know it”. Carmen’s voice is full of bitterness.
“Five minutes ago, in the shower, you were about to hurt me using sex. Come on, then. Fuck me, hurt me, make me bleed. Use everything you need to punish me and feel better”.
“Shane… You are on the wrong track”.
Shane steps back.
“Then tell me what’s the right track to fix this”.
Thunder.
Shane tightens her fists.
“Tell me!!”, she shouts, and Carmen jolts.
Her eyes are staring at her and now they’re full of tears.
“Tell me…”, Shane repeats weakly, starting to sob. Falling on her knees and clasping her arms around Carmen’s waist.
“Oh Jesus…”, she cries, resting her forehead on Carmen’s stomach, “…Tell me what I have to do to fix this…”.
Carmen’s fingers across her hair, Carmen’s fingers brushing the nape of her neck, slightly pulling the collar of her black t-shirt.
She lingers with her lips on the top of Shane’s head, cuddling her, rocking her slowly.
“Sssst… It’s okay… It’s okay…”, she whispers.
She slips down and sits on the floor, and Shane hugs her tightly, sobbing uncontrollably.
Carmen’s mouth on her ear.
“Shane… What happened to me is not your fault. I don’t wanna pass the buck. What happened is my fault. I put myself in danger, and it didn’t end well. But I am here, I am alive and…”. She sighs.
“…And I love you…. Fuck, it really seems there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m falling in love with you all over again. I shouldn’t trust you, and I do. I shouldn’t make love with you, and I do. I shouldn’t even be here with you, and instead here I am. And do you know why?”.
Her voice, Shane thinks, her eyes closed.
Her voice is now exactly as I remember it.
“…Why?”, she asks, as a new set of tears starts running down her cheeks.
“…Because you resuscitated a place inside my heart. A place that I thought was lifeless. You succeeded…”. She chuckles glaringly between the tears.
“…I don’t know what’s changed inside of you but… You’re can be so great sometimes…”, she adds.
Shane hugs her even stronger.
Carmen cups her face, forcing her to watch her.
“Every time we make love, I can see that look in your eyes. That raw desire you have to make me feel everything in the way you’re feeling it, that raw desire you have to make me feel how you love me, to make me really yours. And every time, you repress it”.
“I don’t want to hurt you anymore”, Shane explains simply.
Carmen smiles a tiny smile.
“I know…”, she murmurs, kissing her lips gently, softly.
She rests her forehead against Shane’s.
“I was afraid… I still am. I was… I am… trying hard to protect myself. The truth is that I’ve never allowed you to come closer. I have kept you at a distance. That’s the reason why I always try to be in control when we make love. Because I know that, if I let you take me that way, as you want to take me… If I really let you in… I’ll lose everything… And I’ll be totally yours, again”.
Shane cups her face.
“And this is not what you want, right?”.
Carmen just stares at her.
“Let me feel you, make me feel it… Don’t repress it anymore”.