Lost – part 6

In the dark of the night, Tina had intermittently succeeded in forgetting why she was so upset. But only intermittently. Most of the time, Tina could not help but replay over and over the events that had sent her running. Bette and Candace holding hands…Bettes lack of denial of the affair…the abuse she and Bette inflicted on one another that fateful night. Now, as she stared into Bettes eyes”those dark, beautiful eyes”the memories came flooding back once more, and with them the tears.

Bette knew what was going through Tinas mind. She could see the emotions flicker past as each scene was replayed. Her stomach clenched in anticipation of the storm she knew was coming. A tear slowly slid down her cheek, marking the passing of the innocence in their relationship. She knew she had killed that innocence, but mourned its passing nonetheless.

Both women knew that they had to talk, they had to acknowledge the elephant in the room, even if neither knew what to do with it.

Bette realized that if she wanted any chance of salvaging her marriage, she needed to speak first. Lowering her eyes, she whispered, Im sorry. Im so very sorry, Tina.

Tina didnt know how to respond. Of course she wanted Bette to apologize, but she didnt know if she was ready to accept the apology. She didnt know what she wanted, except to 1) stop the world and get off, 2) never feel again, and 3)… well, maybe 1 and 2 would suffice.

After approximately five minutes of waiting, Bette looked up to see if Tina had heard her. T?

At the sound of Bettes voice, Tina closed her eyes and let her chin fall to her chest. How could she respond when she didnt know what she wanted from Bette? When she wanted everything from Bette, but couldnt receive anything? But she could at least find out why, right?

Taking a deep, shuddering breath, Tina raised her head and looked Bette straight in the eye, eyes that were, like hers, glistening with tears. With a quiver, Tina voiced the one all-encompassing question: Why?

Bette opened her mouth to reply, then realized that she could give no coherent, valid reason. She couldnt explain what had happened to herself, much less to Tina. She bowed her head in anguish, hiding her face in her hands and wishing the earth would swallow her whole. I dont know, T. I just dont know. I have spent the past thirty-six hour alternately trying to forget and trying to figure out why I did what I did. I couldnt forget, and I couldnt come up with any answers. I wish I could. All I know is that Im broken, and so I broke us.