They resumed walking, this time at a more reasonable pace. They both felt it would be easier to confront the harder issues while moving, and certainly without looking at one another.

I dont really know how it started. I know that between the turmoil at the CAC, losing ourchild Bette choked on this last word, but gathered herself and continued. I tried to keep it all together, to be everything to everyone, to be in control. I held on so tightly that I think I finally broke. Something inside me snapped. By this time, her tone was one of pleading for understanding. For acknowledgement, if not absolution. I broke, Tina. Thats the only way I know how to describe it. I broke.

Tina was not without compassion, but she needed to know the whole story. She needed details. So you broke. How did Candace come to be the one to fix you? Why didnt you come to me!?

Bette couldnt hold in the tears anymore. Because I was broken. I couldnt be strong for you anymore, Tina. I couldnt face the fact that of the two of us, I was the one that couldnt handle what had happened. I thought that if you knew how scared I was of the changes in our lives, you would I guess I didnt think. I just wanted so much to hide my weakness from you.

And then Candace came along. Bette paused to take a ragged breath. Candace. I think that I knew my life was spiraling out of control, and in an effort to regain some of that control I jumped the tracks before I crashed.

What about the fact that I was a passenger in this out of control vehicle, as well? Did you forget that, Bette!? Or did you just make the decision for both of us, like you always do? Tina could contain her anger no longer. So when did you decide to break us? When did you give up?

Bette cried out in anguish. It wasnt like that, Tina! I swear, it wasnt about you or us. And it wasnt a conscious decision. It was likejumping out of a burning building. It was panic, thats all. I swear it!

You didnt look like you were panicking at the opening. You looked happy, Tina offered in defeat.

It wasnt happiness, Tina, Bette continued wearily. It was adrenaline. The danger of the forbidden act gave me energy. For the first time since since we lost the baby, I felt alive. It wasnt real life, but it felt like it, even if only briefly. Its the same feeling you get skydiving, the rush that comes before you pull the ripcord. I just hadnt pulled that lifesaving ripcord yet, she sighed. Or maybe thats what I was doing at the Provocations opening”pulling the ripcord. Taking the action that I knew would halt my freefall, she concluded.