Somehow we are nose to nose. Somehow we are kissing. Somehow my hands have made their way into Shane’s hair pulling her closer to me. Feeling her weight on me, feeling her hands around my waist, feeling that awesome feel of her tongue in my mouth, feeling like melting butter, feeling that slow dull ache inside me. Feeling her pull away.

“Tell me you don’t love me Shane. Tell me that you didn’t think about me out here in your little outlaw world. Tell me that when you fucked these other women tell me you weren’t thinking about me….”

“I……..hate you. I hate…….”

“No you don’t…..you can’t hate me. You can’t live without me and I can’t live without you…”

“Go away Carmen.”

“Marco misses you the most you know.’

“That’s low even for you Carmen…….. throwing the kid into this…..”

“The kid is your son Shane. He misses his mom.”

“I miss him too. But this was your idea. You called me broken…..after everything I did for you….”

“I told I am sorry. I told I love you. I told you I miss you. I know you miss me. I can feel how much you miss me.”

“We are not getting anywhere with this Carmen.”

“Because you don’t believe me….do you?”

“No I don’t.”

“So this life here racing and drinking and all that stupid shit that is just gonna get you killed this is better than coming home with me and Marco…”

“This was your fucking stupid idea Carmen not mine. You wanted me to leave; you wanted to set me free. And now you want me to come back. To what…for what, for you to change your mind again….fuck you Carmen.”

“I can’t believe you are being this much of an ass about this Shane.”

“You are amazing you come all the way out here for a fuck, for me to make the kid understand that his mother is an insane soulless thing. Because Carmen if I am broken than you are soulless.”

“I love you Shane. There is a part of you inside me. And there is a part of me inside you. You can’t change that no matter how far you run. And If I wanted a fuck I wouldn’t need to travel all the way to fucking Germany of all the places in the world. To be perfectly fucking honest……… I like the way you fuck me. I love the way you fuck me. I would love to one day feel like you when I fuck like you….it hurts so bad some times…..”

“I know it does. I know.”

Have I done it? Have I cracked the drugs and booze and the sex that Shane was afraid…. of being trapped in forever? She pulls me close to her. She wraps her arms around me. And I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding.

‘Come home. Please Shane. Please. I am so sorry. I am sorry that I keep not trusting you. I am sorry that I keep on making you feel like I don’t love you. I love you so much that it scares the shit out of me. Please come home. Please…”

Shane she looks at me those green eyes burning when they look at me. Searching for a truth I know she can feel.

“I have to think about it…..I have a race tomorrow I gotta go….I’ll see you tomorrow.”

And she walks away leaving me feeling that slow ache turn into a blinding rage. This is not going as smooth as I thought it would.

Tbc.

Featured Song: In a lonely place By Joy Division.