I often wonder what would have happened had I been single that night, would we have started dating again? How much would my life differ to what it is now? Would Alice and I ever have become a pair? During our main course Lara suggested seeing me again. After all those lustful stares and my not so subtle body language my conscience finally kicked in and I rejected, for the time being anyway. I wasn’t about to cheat in anyway, emotionally or physically; little did I know I would shortly be doing both.

I remember coming home that night and lying on my bed. I was tempted to call Al but what was I supposed to say? My head was throbbing with over analysing. Was Lara trying to win me back? Had she forgiven me? Was I more than a little persuaded by her cute smile, her glowing skin, and her easy life? I looked at my cell, I had three missed calls from Al and four text messages, it had to have been driving her crazy not knowing. I imagine she may have thought I’d gone home with Lara and yet I closed my cell without reading those texts and sighed on my pillow instead in self-pity. What was I doing? The only way I can describe the feeling is when I have a tub of Ben and Jerry’s. I look at it first, eyeing up the chunky caramel pieces, knowing that each of them would release the extra sugar I did not need in my diet. I get a spoon, then put it back, then get it again. I honestly stand for about ten minutes contemplating whether I should indulge and each time I end up not only taking that spoon and scooping the icy treat into my mouth but I eat the whole fucking thing. Lara was that ice cream. My destiny was already set before I knew it, by going to dinner I’d grabbed for that spoon, by rejecting another date with her I’d put it away and by calling her that night instead of Alice I had reached in and picked up that spoon way too enthusiastically.

In four days. That was when I had decided to see Lara again. Was it worse that I hadn’t talked to Alice about it or that I had done it at all? I’m not sure, both are pitiful. I did eventually read Alice’s texts before sleeping that night, all were generally asking whether I was ok or whether or not I was going to see her tonight or what we were doing tomorrow. I knew what she was doing. She was trying to remind me that I had a girlfriend, a relationship and a future; her neediness was a way of saying don’t leave me. I remember sending one text back saying I had arrived home, was tired and heading to bed and would see her tomorrow sometime. What a fucking pathetic attempt at reassurance. I don’t actually think I could even justify that as reassurance. I just wanted the problem gone and yet I wasn’t sure who the problem was, Lara, Alice or myself.