The next day I felt incredibly guilty not only for the way I had acted towards Alice with my nonchalant text message but also for thinking about Lara all night. Perhaps I hadn’t physically touched her inappropriately but I knew what was racing through my head was anything but pure and monogamous. I wanted that heat back. The sex we had was…indescribable I guess. You know when you meet someone that you literally just can’t tear your eyes away from? They ooze a certain something, a pheromone or appeal that you just can’t put your finger on but fucking want to. God it was hot. It didn’t have to be adventurous or kinky it was just raw. A raw attraction that was intrinsic in me and felt so fucking good to explore and let out. With Al it was different. It was actually better if I’m honest. At first we had that passion that I had previously shared with Lara but it was not only forbidden but also confusing as hell. Here I was in a relationship with Tonya who I thought made me happy and yet I was finding myself increasingly attracted to my best friend of eight years. When Alice and I were together it was not just passionate but it was euphoric. It was how I felt, only I needed no vocalising, just actions. I just had to show her and for me that worked. I was never good at expressing my emotions and with her I had a way of telling her I loved her without saying it. It was amazing.

I hate saying was. I hate calling her my ex girlfriend, it’s so ugly, it’s so past tense, it’s so permanent. I’ve been thinking about writing her a letter recently. Trying to explain my actions, trying to get her to understand how sorry I am, how badly I fucked up, how much I miss her. I dunno, I just want her to know that I still care about her so much and that I do want her in my life. Is that selfish? I think it probably is but I can’t turn off this feeling of loss. I know she hasn’t died but it fucking feels that way. I’ve been talking to Shane privately about what I should do. She doesn’t seem to think writing a letter is really to help Alice but more about trying to rid myself of guilt. I know she didn’t say it to hurt me but it stung to hear those words. Perhaps because they were the most truthful things any one of them had said to me recently. Is doing it really going to help Alice move on and make peace with what’s happened or a means of justifying my actions not only to her but myself?