I’m sure everyone has had their heart broken at some point in their lives, fuck I thought I had but not like this. I’m full of self-loathing and self-pity at the same time. I have done this. I had pushed her so hard that I eventually pushed her out. She couldn’t cope with me. Again I had destroyed a great thing with my fucking insecurities. Text messages at 3am, phone calls after practice, emails every day. I was fucking pathetic. I still am, but she’s still so prevalent in my mind.

I feel like I’m losing all grip on reality. I still haven’t washed the sheets and pillowcases from my bed. It gives me comfort to smell her, maybe think that this was a dream conjured from my senseless imagination. I have a bag of her things stored under my bed, too painful to look at, too precious to throw away. Above all I miss her. It’s as fucking simple and complicated as that. I miss her. I just want everything to be different. I want to call her and hear her laugh and tell me to suck it when I make a sarcastic joke about her being a klutz.

The kiss. Fuck that kiss. Even if I had known it would be our last I wouldn’t have changed a thing. I don’t think I’ve felt need like that in my entire life. I swear I could feel her change her mind for a second like I could taste her regret and it was sweet and bitter at the same time. I’d never felt so complete and yet so torn. And in an instant she was gone. I ran to my window when I couldn’t see her outside my door, I saw her get into the car, I also saw Lara. That perhaps hurt more than the previous three minutes. That she had not only come to break my heart but she had Lara to mend hers. I was discarded for that red head and it was one fucking big slap in the face. I had been right all along. To say it wasn’t a pleasant victory would be the biggest understatement.

And now where has this all left me? Crying alone in my apartment, drinking in the daytime, popping anti depressants like mentos. It is pitiable but I can’t knock myself out of it. I just want to be numb all the time. I finally understand where Shane was coming from. What is so fucking good about feeling? I’m sick of feeling, I’m sick of feeling so unworthy. I just want to be numb and yet I can’t even have that without someone calling every hour to check if I’m still alive. I know they’re my friends but they’re not helping. If I unplug the phone and turn off my cell Tina or Shane is round in an instant asking what they can do to help. I know I’d be the same in their position but they can’t do anything and I just end up being a total bitch to them. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I know I sound like a fucking drama queen like Jenny but it’s so much sweeter in my dreams.