I dunno. Maybe if I had been a better girlfriend. Maybe I was too needy. Strike that, I know I was too needy but I’ve never been that way before. Usually I’m the one trying to get the other person to back off, it sucks! I kinda understand why she turned to Lara. Lara is easy, she’s pretty, she’s smart and not fucked up. Hell when I really think about it I’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner. She deserves someone better, someone who isn’t like me. I don’t ask about her not because I’m bitter but because I don’t think I could take it if I heard that she’s happy. That sounds so selfish doesn’t it? But I just couldn’t handle knowing that Lara has satisfied her so quickly and that she’s already moved on. Am I that easier to get over?

I haven’t been to the Planet since it happened. I live in fear of seeing Lara and either punching her or just bursting into tears. I know which one is most likely to happen. And what if Dana was there? What the fuck would I say? Would I have to act like nothing had happened and that everything is ok just to be polite and not cause a scene? No thanks. I’m not that masochistic. Shane did convince me to go to a dinner party at Tina and Bette’s one evening though only after she assured me that neither Lara nor Dana were invited. I think I can honestly say it was the first time in weeks that I actually laughed. I was having a good time. And then I saw it. The group picture taken four months previously. Tina and Bette gazing lovingly at each other, Shane ruffling Jenny’s hair whilst Carmen laughed at their playfulness, Kit grinning widely behind the couch with Angie in her arms and Dana cuddled into me on the very right. We looked so happy and carefree and most of all in love. I excused myself quickly and quietly ignoring the protests and practically ran into my mini leaving behind my jacket and purse. It was just too much.

Switching on the TV I see Ellen appear on the screen like I knew she would. This has become my life, my new routine. Watching old TV shows whilst trying to occupy my mind with anything but Dana. It scarcely ever works. I take the beer to my lips and chug it back. Half the bottle is emptied into my stomach. I reach into my pocket and take out one of my many pills and throw back an effexor washing it down with some bud. Is this it from now on? Is this all I have to look forward to? I hear my cell go off and pick it up slowly. Bette’s name flashes across the screen for the third time today, I close it shut and lay my head back against the couch knowing that there is no easy fix and this is going to be another very long day.

TBC