I tampered and I stole now I am dying. And Carmen is dying. And I lied to Tricia when I said I was never going back to my old life. I am a coward. And I lied to myself when I said that I didn’t love either of them. And all I have to show for all those lies all that fear is nothing.

My eyes they burn from the inside. Everything is on the inside. There is this stillness in the black night. In the distance I hear sirens, the fluids leaking out of our smashed up cars. The cars you see belong to Carmen and me. And who am I?

Shane. Shane the liar, the thief, the druggie, the cheat, the love, the old life, the dead girl.

I think like this and it’s funny to me because I know it’s the effect of this toxic dye and I know it’s eating away like 7 layers of my skin, making me feel the blinding pain of my exposing inner guts and other unseen things. It’s only taking my imminent death to realize that I have completely wasted my fucking life.

Isn’t it always the way?

Chapter 1

High school and meeting Carmen and falling instantly for everything about her. The girl next door you see. Everything about her, her cheerleader ways, the short skirt, that dark hair so dark…she wore motorcycle boots to school, she smiled bright and beautiful. I walked her home. In my head I walked her home in reality I walked her to the bus. She liked the company and then I got to walk her home. I walked her to her door, she invited me. None one home. She changed we talked on her mom’s couch about nothing. She was nervous and I leaned in and kissed. Soft, sweet, maybe a little hesitant but she liked it. She liked me. I knew her brothers I knew their business, they knew my brother, knew his business. We all sorta knew each other. We where the only white kids in the neighborhood. You know….my brother and I….

We all hung out a lot. It was the way. We all got into trouble. Just random stuff in the beginning, neighborhood stuff, car radios, beepers…Yeah that was a while back….no one has beepers anymore its all cell phones now.