Fan Fiction
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Situations
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“What creases?”
“The ones down your sleeves, the ones at the front of your trousers…, are they Porter’s laundry creases or do you get someone else to do your laundry?”
“Yes Alice, we wash our own clothes and we iron our own clothes…, creases and all…”
“Oh that’s good to know…, I’ve never seen you ironing…” Alice noted.
“Do you need to know which washing detergent we use too?” Bette asked sarcastically.
“Uh no, I don’t think that’s necessary, but that does remind me…, I forgot to write it down…, do you always wear matching underwear…, I always get the impression that your underwear would be, you know ‘just so’”
Bette looked at Tina, “I suppose you want to answer this one…?”
Tina laughed, “I can if you want babe…, how much do you want me to tell her?”
“Well nothing appears sacred today, so just spill the beans…”
Tina looked at Alice, “well…, for the most part, Bette wears gorgeous underwear…, you know, lacy, silky, sexy and in a variety of colours…”
“I hear a but in your voice Tina, come on…, tell me.” Alice pursued.
Tina glanced at Bette, “there is the odd pair of granny pants…”
“I fucking knew it…” Alice whooped, “Bette Porter wears granny pants…”
“Alice, they are not granny pants…, it’s control underwear for when I am wearing certain clothing…”
“It’s okay Bette, I have control underwear for certain clothing, but they are still granny pants…” Alice added.
“To go with the granny blouse…” Dana muttered under her breath.
Tina and Alice burst out laughing at Dana’s comment, seeing Bette take a deep breath at the antics of her partner and friends.
“Bette…?” Dana said as she sat forward.
“Yes Dana…," Bette said, wondering if she was now going to join the interrogations.
“Do you ever pick your nose? Because you know, sometimes it’s really difficult to blow your nose and not feel like there is just that last little bit that won’t budge…”
“That’s disgusting…” Bette said, not even contemplating a response.
“But that is so true Dana, thank for adding that one in there…” Alice said with a smile to Dana.
“Oh what about…” Tina said, getting into the mood of Alice’s questions.
“Tina…, you don’t have to join in with them…” Bette said, feeling like she was now in a no win situation with the three of them probing her.
“Babe, I’m just trying to help them understand that you are as normal as any other gorgeous woman walking around here…”
“Oh gee thanks Tee…”
“My pleasure sweetheart…” Tina added as she turned to Alice, “Al, you forgot to ask her about wind…”
Bette rolled her eyes, “oh for goodness sake…”
Alice turned to Bette, “it might just be easier to volunteer this information Porter…”
“I am not talking about it…” Bette said as she stood up, hoping to escape the invasive and unnecessary questioning.
“Bette…, they’re only having fun…” Tina said as she picked up on Bette’s mood.
“Yeah I know, at my expense…”
“Oh come on Porter, we’re just finding out if you’re normal…, or not…”
“Alice I can assure you I am as normal as any other person sat at this table…”
“That’s not really saying much considering the company you keep Baby Girl!” Kit added as she overheard Bette’s sentence.
“Kit, have you heard the questions they are asking me?”
“What like?” Kit said, pulling up a chair.
“Actually Kit, you might know about this one…, does Bette ever suffer from occasions of wind?” Alice directed at Kit.
“Oh my god Al…, you should have heard her that night we had had an Indian…, my god I thought she was never gonna stop…”
“Oh and what about that time you held me under covers…, my god I thought I was going to suffocate…” Tina added.
Bette looked exasperated as she walked away from the table, muttering to herself as she made her way towards the bathroom, “I don’t fucking believe it…, geeze…, I burp, I fart, I wear big pants that have gone grey in the wash…, I even pick my nose occasionally…, and they ask me if I’m normal…, of course I’m fucking normal…”
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LOL Jo you can always make me laugh out loud!! Thank you for this bit of fun on a gray day in Seattle. Bette most certainly is “normal,” all except for throwing used tampons at the trash can and missing….ick!!! LOL
Not used tampons, that would be ick – just the papers they come wrapped in LOL
That was just so funny. I loved it!!! Thank you
Haha this is great. So funny! Thanks for this :)
Thanks for this series of silly questions on everyday, normal, disgusting stuff. It’s so funny! Good to see you post again, Jo. I hope all is well in your world. Cheers! =)
OMG that was so fucking funny and cute, love it. Thanks for the post ansd please post more, thanks!
Too funny.
FUNNY!Poor Bette.Thank you and PPS
Effing brilliant!! you had me in stitches thank you for this amazing post.
that has me chuckle, my wife is giving me strange looks good one xx
Oh, thank Goddess!!! I had this visual in my head that was pure ick!! LOL Thanks again Jo!!!
verry funny thank you this is amazing story!!!!
What a lovely treat! Thank you for posting
LOL…OK i dont normally”Do”the bodily functions thing…it happenens!Ideal with it!so inbetween the lol i had to feel sorry for Poor Bette..Her cover was kinda blown as the perfect hot woman..Alice as always brill..But i still think Bettes Granny pants would be cooler than anyones elses!!!Like old times enjoying a chapter from you..Nice one!
Oh Gawwwd, Jo! What have you done??? You just destroyed my Porter fantasy and ended my Bettesexual life forever!!! That first comment from Tina was soooooo not necessary!!! And the wind thing under the cover with Tina?… Gawwwd!!! Okay now, back to my Tibetteland where they don’t burp, don’t fart, don’t drool on the pillow during the night, don’t have bad breath, don’t have stinky feet,… That was hilarious though. But how come, in spite of this “wonderful” chapter of yours, I still see Bette Porter as a goddess?!!… I guess that’s what you call “love”!!! Thanks Jo… ;)
Hahahahahahaha ! This was hilarious. That being said, we all know those are big fat lies. Bette doesn’t do any of those things, come on ! Goddesses don’t ( excuse my French ) poop, let alone fart or pick their noses and they are born with make-up on, they don’t need to apply it or wash their faces. In the words of Lady Gaga, Bette was just born this way ;) I’m with Kword on this one, going back to read stories where Bette and Tina are only shown under the best light … Hahaha ! BTW, weren’t we supposed to get one last chapter of Discovering Aphrodite ? ;)
HYSTERICAL!! : I burp, I fart, I wear big pants that have gone grey in the wash…, I even pick my nose occasionally…, and they ask me if I’m normal…, of course I’m fucking normal…”…Bette in Granny Pants – Love it!! But no matter – she’s still is and always will be(along w/Tina) the Hottest Lesbian on TV. (Even if she was doing “gay for pay”…) TiBette will always be our fanfic super heroines! How many years has it been since the show stopped??!…and look at “US”…never ending! As a reader, rather than a writer…I pray to Aphrodite herself, may these authors never run out of their imagination,desire…etc. Whatever it is that keeps them going – please Goddess inspire them eternally! Gratefully Yours, Hellbent(and everyone else that continues to read)Jobadge – I still want my Flora, Fauna and Merriweather type happy ending for Discovering Aphrodite. All you have to do is wave your magic wand over your keyboard! LoL
OH – & BTW – thanx for clarifying the tampons not hitting the floor -just the paper coverings! That would have killed it for me FOR SURE! Yucky! OH – and what’s w/that “wind” thing?! Is it a Brit thing? Cause a fart is a fart, and wind(although it might sound “refined”)…wind is something Mother Nature uses to blow through her Tree-Hair! (so to speak). Now if Bette admitted to lighting her farts on fire…I might have peed in my pants laughing!
my god jobadge, you have made my fucking week, i`ve never laughed so much,please girl keep these one-offs coming,there always appreciated, much love…….jb…x
LMAO, this was hilarious…Bette Porter is normal LOL
I’ve often wondered if Bette was perfect. In the show, there aren’t any nasty little habits on display.
awsomee.!!! so funny and so true Bette always looks so perfect
Totally hilarious!
How simply wonderful was this update. THank you for this story. I read it in the office and had to control myself with not laughing out loud. Love it. Thank you.
Hahaha omg this is the funniest story I’ve ever read!
You know, Alice has the balls and dares to ask questions about things we all want to know but don’t dare to ask Way to go Alice!
I had a ball. Hilariously written. Thank you, tears are still rolling of my cheeks.