“Alice, are you okay?” I ask as I opened the door to find the older woman staring blankly back at me. Her eyes are red and puffy and it looks as though she’s been crying. Alice does not answer my question as I open the door wider and she steps inside. For a moment I think that she will actually tell me what’s on her mind and I am a little bit surprised at my concern as I reach my fingers out to brush the hair out of her eyes. We’ve never been gentle with each other before and for a moment she forgets herself and lets my fingers rest gently on her cheek. It is only another split second though before realization hits her and she is startled away from my fingers. The moment for honesty is gone and in one swift motion her mouth is on mine begging me to ease her pain, and I am pushing her roughly back against the door…

I swallow hard as I listen to your breathing even out and I know that you are really asleep. I wanted you to talk to me that night, I wanted you to talk to me tonight. I want to ask you about her, and tell you about her, but I’m afraid. I’m always afraid when it comes to the subject of you and Dana, but I know what you have to do tomorrow, and I know you need a friend. I wish I could be that person for you because I loved her too. I wish that we could have something more than this. When it first started I didn’t know how to feel about it exactly, all I knew was that it somehow dulled the pain of Dana being gone. And now here we are almost three months later and I find myself wanting you to feel me in a way that doesn’t involve naked screaming. This thought causes me to sit up as it suddenly reveals to me that I am starting to care about you. And now I am making my way to the bathroom trying not to panic as I close the door and think about you sleeping in my bed.

I take a moment to truly evaluate what I am feeling and for the first time since she’s been gone I am actually feeling my emotion. The emotions come on quick now. The pain of missing Dana, the guilt over being with Alice, the relief of knowing that I am indeed still capable of caring about anything. I smile for the first time in months with the last thought, but it fades quickly. The thing-the person-that I care about is Alice. Dana’s Alice. And I know that this can’t go any further. Me and Alice have to talk because I have also realized that I could end up caring for Alice in a way that could be very bad for me considering that she’s still in love with Dana…