Bette leaned back in her chair with her new epiphany. She cant be perfect. Its impossible. She cant please her father, and she cant go back to the way things were with Tina. This was her problem. Bette wanted and strived for the things she couldnt have. This is where she needed to start in order to move on with Tina.

I need to let go and just be me…but who the ***** am I? Im…..Im…..Christ…Im nothing. Im what everyone else wants me to be. The prodigal daughter….The friend with all the answers…The boss who gets what she wants….The wife in control……Who do I want to be?

Bette put her head in her hands and put her elbows on the desk. The afternoons lunch drifted into her head. Sitting in Shanes lap on the church steps. She smiled to herself. Standing in Alices bathroom in front of the mirror. She had rubber gloves on and applied vitamin E to Shanes nose with a Q-tip. She remembered sitting in the hospital cafeteria laughing as Dash pretended to die from the mystery meat they were serving the night she brought them to the hospital. Standing in the corner laughing as Shane lay sprawled out on her back and Father Joe stood over her in a fighting stance.

I want to be human. I want to be Bette and Tina…No Tina and Bette! …I want a family, but most of all I just want to love and be loved back….Its time to put up or shut up…. I need to come up with a way to show to Tina that I can be everything she wants and needs me to be…I need to show her I cant be perfect and Im okay with it. She needs to know that when I fail I wont run to someone else for all the answers….Thats what Im doing now right? Getting Father Joe and Shane to give me the right answers….***** I ran to a kid today to get help instead of Tina. Christ, I remember when I could bring home a single rose and all that I did wrong would be forgiven. Its gonna take a truck load of flowers to fix what Ive done.

Hmmmm…theres a start.