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I sit down on the bed, holding Renee’s hand as she slowly wakes up from a restless sleep, the pained growl leaving her mouth sends ice shards down my spine, a grimace of pain slides over her face before she clenches her teeth and opens her eyes. ‘Hey..’ Her hoarse whisper accompanies the squeeze in my hand. ‘….you look really bad.’ Even though her voice is weak her weary eyes are studying me intently.
‘I just didn’t sleep well, I’m fine.’ I try to sound as reassuringly as possible, not wanting to bother her with my sores, while she clearly needs all her energy to hold on to life just a little while longer. Her wellbeing combined with the heavy day Bette and I had yesterday caused me to lay awake till the wee hours of the night, wondering how much longer we can both endure. There is only so much that one person can take.
As Renee continues to look at me, my eyes dart through the room finding the dying plant at the window, adding to my frustration, it has been poking my eyes for days but I simply forgot to throw it away and replace it. I get up and pick it up, throwing it in the bin, while Renee follows my every move. ‘Nothing works…’
‘Talk to me dear.’
‘I’m afraid we are damaged beyond any repair.’ Dropping myself in the chair I rest my head on my hand, feeling tired like never before. ‘I offered her to move to the apartment and that led to a long overdue talk. Her pain…I don’t think I can ever fix that.’
‘It’s not only on you to fix things, it’s not something you do alone. You both made mistakes.’
‘But I betrayed her and gave us the dead blow, I’m scared we will never recover from that.’
She clears her throat, her voice is slightly stronger this time. ‘Where is that fearless woman, who left everything behind without a second thought to be with the person she loves. The woman who knew what she wants and went for it, who dared to stand in front of everyone declaring her love for her wife, on the night of their wedding?’