She felt her gaze drift in the darkness he hadn’t completed her despite all the sensations and pleasure. It should have been another woman who should have received his kind graces not her. One who loved him for the man he was and a woman who would have given him many fine children who he could bring up. Not a woman like her, who saw Xena’s face instead of his in the instant of climax and imagined that it was Xena touching her during that long night, Gods she was so disgusting. She couldn’t have the fantasy of her desires so she had played pretend with someone else who had loved her with all his heart.

Gods why couldn’t she just deal with her sexuality? She liked being kissed by men held by them and she liked the sensation in the bedroom yet she all she thought about was Xena and touching her and kissing her. She just wasn’t like Xena, she couldn’t just go to a brothel and get rid of this sexual frustration by testing the waters with other women. She was too afraid and embarrassed of being caught by the taller woman and having her looking at her after she’d done it and trying to explain herself. She couldn’t stand the thought of seeing anymore disappointment in those light blue eyes. Yet she’d known that Xena had done the same she’d seen her go in to one of those places more than once over this season.

Not that what Xena did with her personal time was any of her business, they’d had this conversation once before. Xena had told her that she understood that she might have personal needs to attend to and that it was all right for her to deal with them in her own way. If that meant her going somewhere else private for a while then it was okay. So much for being a grown woman, her body might now have all those elements but as far as her mind dealing with sexual matters she was more like a stupid child who had gotten lost in the woods and wasn’t smart enough to look at the stars above. She closed her eyes trying to hold back the tears she was just stuck in a never ending nightmare. She pulled up the pendent to her chest, trying to ignore all the pain in her heart. Why couldn’t there just be an end to all this pain? Even if that pain was Xena telling her to leave at least then there would be a resolution. She breathed in deeply pulling her head out from under the pillow then put her head back on it she closed her eyes hoping that sleep would come.