Missing 4

I’m so tired of living for your touch
I’m so tired of needing you so much
How can everything be justified by you?

Ch 9

I am on the fault line. Earth quakes…. terrain…….broken pieces of ground and rubble and dirt. I claw through it. I am it. I wonder why? I wonder how? I can’t understand why this is so complicated. She is back. She smells the same her skin is the same the taste of her mouth and tongue, the feel of her crushed on me…all the same like she never left, like we never skipped a beat. I should be happy. I should have the appearance of someone who is complete and perfect. But I can’t. Instead I am on my thirteenth beer.

The bottles they glisten and ring when I touch them. When I stare into space I see her. And I don’t wanna. I want to disconnect myself from needing her. I thought I did and then there she was….the love of my life. I could go on and on about how tired I am… but I am tired.

I have a blank stare when she knocks on my trailer door. I have a blank stare when I tell sure come on in. I ask her if she wants anything to drink. She looks at the ground as if to say I have drank enough for both of us. She leans against my door. On display a reminder of what I always wanted but maybe not necessarily needed….

I stop and think is this what love is? I stop and look at her eyes…clouded filled with a want that felt like it could burn us both. Cinders. Ashes. Charred sex colored flavored remains. Yeah. I should write a book about how much Carmen makes me want to. From the cracks in my window shades I see the night sky and it isn’t much of a sky, it’s more like a soup of grey and black. A sky you can’t consume. A sky that is on display. And drunkenness only makes her more appealing to me. Sharp and smooth flawless really. She moves only to breath. She moves only to blink, to lick her lips and scratch an imaginary itch on her. I want her to take everything from me. I want her to destroy me final and complete. It is the best thing that she can do. Silence in the room and of course it is deafening. A bullet in the chamber. All she has to do is squeeze. It is the best thing she can do. We can’t both live feeling this way about each other. It’s just not right. Yeah it’s just not right.