If she speaks it will hurt. If she talks, makes excuses it will ruin the moment.

I go to the ice box. It is on her side of the room. As I move in that direction I know she will win as she always does. Then again if the feel of empowered beer fuzz doesn’t make it easier to breathe the same air as she does then nothing will. I move to grab one and her hot hands tell me silent not to.

“Carmen…..”

She puts a finger on my lips. It stays there searing a feel into me. My tongue moves on its own and licks. Salty, tangy….are fingers supposed to feel like this? She seems confused by my reaction and takes her fingers away from my mouth. She looks like I burned her. She starts to talk then stops…..then starts again.

“This is the most real conversation we are going to have…………….. I know that I…me the physical being….I know that I left you before. I don’t know what it was like for the two of you….I don’t. It’s a pretty amazing thing really. And I can’t speak for her. I can’t say to you why, I can’t say anything that will not make you feel like everyone will not let you down. I couldn’t even know how to fake something like that……so I am not going to try. I……had different reaction to the murder I committed. I never felt bad about killing Conrad. He took my son. He killed our friends. He took the only thing that means anything to me beside you….and he tried to blame it on you. I should have felt bad about but I didn’t. you have all this in you about what you did to avenge your father. You have so much guilt about….its done on both our parts. Maybe I thought you didn’t want to be around me. maybe you would have found some reason to be disgusted by me…..I don’t know…it’s all excuses really………I don’t know…… What you said about giving me your everything it was so dead on and true. Since I woke up all I have ever done is take…mainly from you. I know that she left you. I think I know why. She left because you probably made her feel like nothing else matted in the world. And truthfully this isn’t the most normal feeling in the world especially when you have no memory of what feeling is like.  Excuses I know. They are, I wont lie.”