Sam put down the diary, she remebered the day she had taken the very large dictionary from the shelf when everyone was out and looked up lesbian, it had hit her hard the realisation, she was obsessed with allsorts of women, Mandy, Miss Preston, the woman in the post office, she had found herself looking at women and wanting to see them naked, she had fantasised about kissing woman.  She was nearly 15 and she couldn’t cope with it all.  The pain of that time was gone but the agonising she had done over herself and her realisation she was gay was still in her memory. Sam read further into her diary but she had put a lid on the entries about her sexuality until she had gone back to school in the autumn.

September 3rd 1990

Back to school today, not a bad first day back,  there is a new girl in our class she is from Canada, her Mum has moved back to England cos she and her Dad have divorced.  Ceri is very cute I like her, Jen has been chatting to her so I have too, she sounds very sexy when she talks her accent is lovely.  I’m in Year 11 now GCSE’s this year s*** hope I pass I so want to join the police like Dad, Mum doesn’t want me to but I really want to go in to the police.  We are all meeting up on Saturday at Jen’s her Mum and Dad are on holiday and Melissa is in charge of the house she is 21 so her Mum trusts her to look after Jen.  Can’t wait cos Ceri is going.

8th September 1990

I went to Jen’s yesterday it was a fantastic party, we had a few beers and ciders and someone brought vodka too, I was talking to Ceri for ages then we walked home together she lives just round the corner from me and Jen, we didn’t go straight home, she asked me if I wanted to go to the woods by the canal.  It was only 6 so I said yes we went down to the canal tow path and then into the woods, Ceri took me to a den, it was so good and well hidden you couldn’t see it unless you knew it was there,  we sat and talked then Ceri came closer to me I could feel my heart racing when she touched my arm I wanted to touch her back but I didn’t.  Let’s practice kissing for when we meet the boys we want to go out with, something told me this was not what she really meant she just wanted to kiss me, she leaned over and kissed me on the lips it was like nothing I had felt before no boy had given me these feelings and before I could stop myself I was snogging her she was responding.  I was so in a daze I didn’t realise she had her hand in my jeans and was touching me until I gasped, I don’t know what I was feeling but her touch made me want more and more soon she had my jeans down and was rubbing me I couldn’t stop her I didn’t want to it was so good.  She suddenly pushed me back on to the ground and her head was between my legs I cried out to stop but she didn’t and I am glad she didn’t because I felt something I had never felt before and I want it so much again.  I started to touch her she stopped me. No that was for you, Next time you can do me too.  I was so glad she had said that we are meeting after school tomorrow.  I can’t wait.