Letter 11

B,

When I open my eyes you are not here.

Then, I close them again and I see you.

You are slowly inching your way up from the foot of the bed.

You are wearing a tailored shirt. It reaches below your hips. The white one you like to get changed into when you come to bed and at this very moment, this is all you are wearing.

I am already in bed as you are making your way back from the bathroom.
As I see you stalking up towards me, my breath catches like so many times before. You look fantastic and your eyes never leave me as you get closer to me in this perfected, agonisingly slow, pace.

I, instantly, recognise the look in your eyes and all I have to do is smile back at you and I know that you will transform the night which is approaching, into our sanctuary, a world where only you and I exist.

My heart swells as your perfume reaches my nose and I feel your body close to me. You leave a trail of wet kisses along my legs as you slowly progress up the bed. Your warmth is already registering on my skin as you go and the loose curls around your face tickle it along the way.

Your mouth settles on my stomach. You have teased the light cloth of my t-shirt up the way a little bit with your teeth and you take your time kissing around my belly button dipping your tongue within it every so often, knowing full well that it will tickle and elicit a giggle out of me.

Your mouth progresses to the left and then to the right to treat my hips with the same amount of affection. I do not believe now that a single part of me has been left untouched by your talented lips.

You finally reach up and you hover over me for few second. You sustain my gaze. I smile at you again and I whisper to you ”I love you” and you say it again, like you did in the private garden, you look at me the same way and you whisper back, ”je t’aime”.
It never fails and I attack your lips with this fervour which just suddenly boils up from within me. I don’t know how I ever managed to stay so immutable as I listened to you, express yourself so flawlessly in what is considered to be the most romantic language in the world.
The simplest conversation seemed to be transformed into this melodious exchange and my eyes often remained fixated on your beautiful lips awaiting almost impatiently for the next sensual sound to escape from them.
I feel you smile as I claim your lips. You knew what it would do to me.
My hands brush the curls from around your face and cup it, pulling gently to bring you closer to me. I feel you lowering yourself on top of me, our bodies touch in a full length embrace and the same moan escapes from the two of us at the same time.
I will never forget what it felt like the first time we lay together, that night, our first night, my first night!
Truthfully, I don’t know what came over me. Your proximity all day long had stirred the most passionate feelings within me. You held my hand all through the day. The contact with your soft skin was electrifying. It was as if I had been permitted to hold the most precious item in the world.
My whole being was aching for the want of having you near me, close, very close. When our playful banter made us tumble to the ground, our excruciating nearness, those three amazing words which you so beautifully expressed almost made my heart burst and I could not hold it in anymore. I wanted you, all of you and I made my request.
We walked back to your apartment, quietly, the previous silliness in the private garden, forgotten.
You were so assured, so confident and I tried to not let you see the nervousness which was building within me.
Inside, I became bold again as we stood by the window. I became totally entranced by your presence behind me as you began your seduction, slowly, delicately and sensually.
I took your hand and led you to your bedroom. I was trying so hard but as you searched my eyes, you saw right through my façade. Compassion and understanding were literally pouring out of your warm brown eyes and I knew then that all would be well.
You were magnificent. Never has the touch of another human being impacted my life in such an unforgettable way. Every one of your caresses and kisses have left this invisible but yet indelible imprint on my skin.
You were careful and attentive but so passionate that both my body and mind quickly gave way to the most powerful release I had ever experienced.
As I lay in your arms, clinging on to you for fear that you would disappear and that it had all been a dream, I did not know whether I wanted to smile or cry, both emotions stemming from the same place: immeasurable joy.
You looked at me worried that you had done something wrong. You hadn’t and I knew you could never do anything wrong. So, I explained to you that while some people in my life make me smile, few have also made cry, but you were the only one who could make me smile with tears in my eyes.
You kissed me with total abandon whispering the sweetest loving words. Your mouth continued exploring around my face, kissing beyond my lips, my chin, my neck, my eyes and the very sensitive spot behind my ear which you so expertly discovered.
I needed to know then, what it was like. I wanted to love you in turn. I wanted to make you feel the way you had just made me feel.
You surrendered entirely to my actions, each hesitant touch further emboldened by the amazing sounds which escaped from your beautiful throat.
Your touch, your scent, your taste will for ever be engrained in my memory.
We loved each other all night, you were my teacher and I, your willing pupil. I felt you tremble under my tongue and I screamed your name. Together, we lived every breath and savoured every exhale.
The slow and rhythmic swishing sound of the fan overhead brings me back out of my reverie. I re-open my eyes and I realise that you are no longer here.
I feel warm inside, not because of the North Carolina stifling heat which seems to fill every part of the room, but because I have revived my senses with languid memories of you.
I am patiently waiting for sleep to claim me as I lay in the bedroom of my childhood. The very same space you shared with me until this morning.
You appeared back in my reality a week ago. I saw your rental car appear in the distance and not recognising it, I stepped outside to see it advance down the long straight road which leads to the farm.
It shimmered in the heat haze which came from the sun-baked road. It looked like it was floating on water. It wasn’t until your car came to a stop in front of the house that I recognised your beautiful features.
You were here, you had come, you were here and not in Paris. A surprise visit from you.
You stepped out of the car hesitantly and looked at me with your amazing smile. I stood there rooted to my spot, no doubt with my mouth wide open.
I don’t know how you remained upright; such was the force with which I lunched myself into your welcoming arms. You laughed, questioning me with a joke about me being happy to see you. I didn’t reply. I was too busy getting reacquainted with the feel of you, the smell of you, the sound of you……
We stood there holding on to each other when I heard the squeaky spring of the screen door opening and shortly afterwards slamming back shut.
I lifted my head from the crook of your neck and looked at you reassuringly.
Everything would be alright.
I took your hand and brought you over to the lady who stood on the front door steps. She was drying her hands in the apron which permanently featured around her waist.
I introduced you to my mother. Your hand was trembling in mine and I squeezed it tighter in an effort to assuage your fears.
I heard myself say your name quickly followed by the word ”girlfriend”. The next thing I knew, you disappeared in a warm motherly embrace and your hand left mine to wrap itself around the robust woman who had engulfed you with all her womanly might.
You had been made most welcome and I was smiling broadly at the sight before me.
My mum made such a fuss over you and I recall the sweet look on your face as you were suddenly ushered into the house for refreshments. In no time at all, my mum had gathered every imaginable treat for you. Coffee, tea, sweat tea, homemade cookies, brownies but your eyes remained firmly on the chocolate red velvet cake sitting proudly on the flowery tablecloth, in the middle of the table.
I sat next to you, aching to touch you. I listened to you, how you interacted with my mum as if you had known each other for years.
I was in complete awe.
You wanted to be here with me, to support me when a trying time had crossed my path. I don’t think I could have loved you anymore at this precise moment.
You enquired about my dad and were happy to hear that he would make a full recovery after his heart attack. You offered to drive my mum to the hospital for her daily visit to lessen my burden; you were here at our disposal only happy to help in whatever way possible.
That statement earned you another warm hug and the reward of an extra thick slice of the crimson dessert which you so relished.
My mum asked you to make yourself comfortable and she would help you later on with your luggage. You explained that you had booked a room in a hotel in Chapel Hill and were quite taken aback when you were ordered to stay in our home for the duration of your stay and that no further discussion on the matter would be allowed.
I don’t quite recall which one of us turned a deeper shade of red when my mother eluded at the fact that my room and especially my bed would be big enough to accommodate the two of us.
It took what seemed like an eternity for us to finally find some alone time. I took you upstairs to my bedroom and your eyes lit up as you finally discovered the room which I had described to you in my very first letter.
You marvelled at how it was exactly as you had imagined it. You let your hand run over the pictures frames of me as a child. You teased me when you saw my childish pigtails and freckles. You marvelled at the cross-country running trophies, got very interested by the picture of teenage Tina in an amorous clinch with a boy.
But most of all you finally took me in your arms to greet me in a way which was long overdue. Your lips tasted of sweat tea and your tongue had the sweetness of the red velvet cake. You were the best southern treat on offer that afternoon.
I had missed you so much. It took all my will power to overcome the want which surged within me and called for my fingers to unbutton the shirt which separated me from your soft skin.
Never was I so glad to hear the high-pitch cry from the enclosure across the farm. It was her, she was calling. I smiled at you and I simply said ”Do you want to meet her?”
I grabbed you by the hand and we ran down the stairs to make our way towards her. You slowed down to take in the beautiful horse in front of you. ”Magenta” you whispered.
The mare had already spotted me and was making her way towards us in an unhurried trot. You stood back slightly… unsettled by her size, but she slowed down as she approached closer to the fence and placed her beautiful head over the barrier. I hugged her powerful neck and stroked the white star on her nose.
I introduced her to you and you laughed at the thought of meeting another member of the family. You placed the palm of your hand on her nose and let it travel downwards to her upper lip and were surprised at the velvety softness you found there.
”Do you love her more than me?” you asked with an uncertain look in your eyes. I laughed at your sudden doubt and pulled you towards me to show you that no one will ever replace you in my heart.
You encircled my waist with your arms and as your lips searched mine, I offered them to you with complete abandon. That very same fact did however displease someone and the claim you had made of my person got you rewarded by a jealous nudge from Magenta’s head.
The week went by far too quick and the morning of our last day together, I sensed an unusual seriousness in your demeanour.
I woke to feel your hand brushing softly against my leg; your warm lips were kissing the exposed skin on my shoulder down to my neck. You settled there for a while and I heard you sigh. I turned into your arms and saw the serious look on your face. It was another one of those mornings when we knew we would have to say goodbye soon, all too soon.
You asked me if we could go for a ride that day, maybe I would let you ride Magenta. We could have a picnic and spent these last precious hours together and talk about us and the future. You scared me a little but I agreed.
By mid-morning, Magenta was ready for you. I took you over the basics of horse riding we had practised during the week. You looked totally petrified atop the docile mare. I fetched my own horse, Becky’s horse, a black Arabian with a feisty character and we set on our way.
We settled by the side of a river, below a weeping willow, to eat our lunch. You were quiet and pensive. I sat closer to you and took you in my arms, I figured that when you were ready you would tell me what was keeping you so far away from me and you asked me, you asked me the question which was burning your lips, the question which was partially responsible for your impromptu visit to North Carolina…….and I want you to know, Bette , that my answer is a resounding ………yes!
I love you forever
T.