All my life, I’ve never feel at ease to do something or go somewhere without my parents’ blessings, it’ll not feel right and everything will go wrong if I’ve done things behind their back without their approvals. Bette… will they approve and bless us? And how am I going to tell Bette about my parents?

Back to the situation now, I cannot deny the connection I have with Bette, I’ve not feel at ease since last Sunday… and sure as hell she has been having nightmares… Oh Bette… I can feel her pain and helplessness too.

Bette

I don’t know… once I’m in her arms… the world would fade away… it feels so safe and secure… I shouldn’t have blocked her out… I should have known better that she’s the only one that can calm me down and help me in no time. Just like now… I’ve never feel safer in any other places. This just proves me how wrong it was to push Tina away, how stupid I was to think that by blocking her out… she could be spared to see my pain… my failure… I don’t want to worry her… I don’t want to hurt her… I don’t want to disappoint her… most of all… I don’t want to lose her… my ‘pride’ has prevented me from showing my vulnerabilities and failures to her, for fear she would leave me because of my weaknesses… but I should give her more credits that she’s not the kind of person who would run away when the situation gets tough… just look at my whole stay in the hospital, how she has taken care of me… how it had helped me to recover so quickly… and look at us now… look at me now… pathetically clinging to her.

There’s a part of me still feel surreal that she’s here… with me… and I’m with her… but I’m really afraid of losing her, nobody stays long in my life… they come… then they leave… that’s why I started to not let people into my heart… in the past, when I just starting to let people into my heart… I sure will feel greatly disappointed when they leave… is it why I keep pushing people away?