For someone to be so lax in her daily and fiscal life, you can only
imagine how lax I am in my personal life. No chance of following a plan
for my life. Please! I take each day as it comes and enjoy it for what
it is. I don’t even make vacation plan six months in advance. Now my
dating life, that I take hour by hour. What else should I be doing?
People as a whole are not who they present themselves to be. And that
isn’t always intentional. There are times that they just don’t know
themselves well enough to present it properly. Some people want so much
to be someone different, that they present themselves how they want to
be seen, hoping it will click in. But when you are basing you life and
decisions on that reality, there isn’t much planning that really makes
any sense. Right?

Take Gabby. All of my friends kept telling me over and over how I
deserved better than that. I almost didn’t agree with them. Its not
that I thought Gabby was treating me well. I’m not an idiot. But she
was better than the last time, even if it wasn’t good enough. I didn’t
expect her to be this amazing romantic partner, so when she did better
than last time, I was happy. I think Shane was going to hurt her
though. It’s not that I don’t think I deserve better. It’s that I
didn’t’ think I’d get better. Remember, expect the worst. So Gabby
wasn’t the worst, I was good. When you expect to get nothing, you are
so happy when you get something. You don’t live with a daily
disappointment of someone not treating you as you wish they had or
remembering your birthday or loving you. So whatever you get is ok. On
the other hand, if I acted like Shane and Dana said they wanted me to,
I don’t know how I’d function waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Knowing somewhere in the back of my mind that I’m bound to be
disappointed by someone I care about, racking my brain to figure out
who and when. It would be exhausting.

There is only one problem with this whole theory. And that’s I am
hopeless romantic that wants more than anything to be loved. So I’m
sort of screwed in that manner. The two thoughts don’t exactly marry
well.