After four days of Dana away at her tournament, I had a lot of time
to think. In the last six months I hadn’t been able to come up with why
I was acting like this. Why I suddenly became this horrifically, scary,
needy, clingy girlfriend. I know four days doesn’t sound like a lot of
time. But in the last six months it’s the longest that Dana and I had
gone without seeing each other. So it really is the longest amount of
time I’ve had to think. And I figured it out. It took a few joints and
some really bad lovesick music to do it. Thank god for playlists on the
I-Pod. Wouldn’t want something happy sneaking in there.

That whole expect the worst? Well, with Dana it’s absolutely
impossible to do. I know her too well. She does know herself. She isn’t
presenting something that she isn’t. She is real and true. And she
loves me. She remembers my birthday. She remembers things I told her
years ago. She remembers why I like certain food. She knows the things
that matter to me because they bring back memories of my father, and I
was so young, there aren’t a lot of memories. Those that I have are
sacred to me. She remembers them all. She does foolish romantic things
like leaving that tape and letter for me. And most of all she remembers
these things and does these things because she wants to, because it’s
who she is. Not to try and get a reaction from me or to try and prove
something to me. There are no hidden agendas or MO’s in her actions.
They are pure.

That is my problem. I have survived the last twenty-something years
since my father’s death through learning how to change my expectations.
Expect nothing, and when you get nothing, you aren’t disappointed, if
you get anything, you’re happy. Dana doesn’t play well into that
theory. That whole hopeless romantic thing, that she plays into. I
can’t treat her with the same regard that I’ve treated other people.
She doesn’t deserve my walls or security. But in 24 years, they have
become quite strong. As soon as I drop my defenses a bit, there is this
vulnerable feeling that I am not used to and I react by becoming an
idiot that even I wouldn’t want to be around. I just react. Pure and
simple reaction. That’s why I haven’t been able to figure it out. You
know through all of the ***** I’ve seen and done in my life, it alls
comes down to thought process with me. I don’t live through emotion.
It’s not that I don’t have them. I have lots, too many at times. But I
live and act through my conscious, logical thought. Other than that
whole 4 am kiss thing, I always act on logical thought. Now here comes
Dana and all logical thought goes out the window. I’m amazed that I can
string together coherent thoughts when she is in the room with me. So I
just react and I react with a fear that I haven’t known throughout my
entire life.