By the time my father died, I was too young to understand what a
fear like that was and since he died, I have done everything possible
to make sure that fear didn’t exist in my life. So once it showed up, I
didn’t know what the ***** it was or what to do about it. I am just
super vulnerable. And I am not used to that. I can’t even say I like
that. I’m just thankful that I’m vulnerable to Dana, not someone else.
Because at least with Dana I know she would sooner hurt a kitten than
hurt me. I just have to hope that life doesn’t do what it normally
does, ***** with me.

So the good thing is that I know. The bad thing, I don’t have a
***** clue what to do about it. I’m taking the 12-step approach,
admitting it the first step. So I’ve accomplished that. I’ll figure the
rest out later.

Dana will be home in a little less than three hours and I still have
a lot I need to do. I plan on spoiling my girl when she gets home. Even
through all of the self-analysis, my grin from that tape is still
plastered on my face. She loves me. And for the first time since I lost
my father, I know I am loved, totally, completely and unconditionally.
And that deserves some spoiling.

I need to get in touch with Carmen, who made me a sweet, romantic CD
for tonight. I need t start dinner, hope I don’t burn the house down.
Shane is even picking up flowers for me. She and Carmen were so sweet
when I saw them the other day. I was still so happy from the tape and I
mentioned that I wanted to do something for Dana when she got home. I
think Shane was just happy that I was acting like me again. And Carmen,
well Shane is going to have her hands full, because that woman is as
romantic as they come. She just wanted to do anything to help.

I’m about to pick up the phone to call Carmen and it starts to ring, “Hello?”

“Al?” I’d know that voice anywhere. I feel a smile grow across my face.

“Hey Baby.”

“Hey, listen, we got a late start leaving the tournament. Kelly was
still with the trainer, she tweaked her knee. I probably won’t be home
for another four hours. I’m sorry.” I’m pathetic, it’s an extra hour,
but I’m still disappointed.

“She’s ok?”

“Yeah, just a sprain. It looked worse when it happened. So she
should be fine. I’m sorry about getting home late.” I can hear the
disappointment in her voice. She has the hesitation in her voice when
she’s scared she has upset me. It’s sweet.

“It’s ok. Anticipation is a good thing. You just make sure you get
here. I’ll be here waiting. I’ll even have dinner and a surprise.”

“You’re cooking, Al, did you warn the WeHo Fire Department?” I hear
the playfullness in her voice and I’m reminded of how much I love her.

“Cute Dane, keep that up and no dessert for you and it was going to
be a heck of a dessert.” I don’t even try but my voice naturally lowers
into this wanna be sultry voice. I swear I have no control over my body
with this woman.

“Hmmmgood food for thought on the way home. I have some good visuals for dessert. Mmm.”

“Well, close your eyes on that bus, nap, think of dessert and get home! I miss you baby, but I need to go. OK?”

“Yeah, nap is a good idea, I might need some energy later.”

“Darn tooting you might, I need my living room set moved.”

“Al!!”

“Bye Babe, love you.” I drawl into the phone, trying hard not to laugh, because I can so see her pouting.

“Yeah, love you too. See you soon.”

“Bye.” As I’m moving the phone from my ear, I hear her yell into it.

“Wait, Al?” “Yeah.” “I really missed you. I can’t wait to see you.” Now I’m just swooning.

“Me too Dane. Just a few hours. Love you.”

As I hung up the phone and started to walk into the kitchen I passed
a mirror on my wall. I looked in the mirror and saw something I haven’t
seen in a long, long time. A smile that came from my soul. Tonight is
going to be good.