Mary: Do you want to give us an example of that?

Tina: Sure. Never assume you know what your spouse is thinking or how they process information. Words do not always mean the same thing to the everyone. So, first of all you have to communicate your thoughts on a subject and then you need to get a confirmation that they actually heard you and understand what you are trying to convey.

Bette: The big one I learned is that I need to tell Tina my thoughts and feelings. If I withhold information just because I don’t think she is going to react well, well when she does find out then there is going to be hell to pay. Not for whatever it is, but because I failed to tell her as soon as I should have.  If I am afraid of Tina’s response, well our relationship is in trouble big time. I know there are things in which she is going to be angry or disappointed about. But I need to give her that information regardless and be understanding and supportive in however she responds. It’s easy to tell the good things, but it’s the not so good things I had to learn to talk to her about.

Tina: But there is no requirement that we need to agree on everything. We just need to reach an agreement on how we will proceed. No major decisions without full knowledge and agreement with the other.

Margaret: And how do you define a major decision?

Tina:  What the dinner menu will be is not a major decision. What hotel we will stay at when traveling is not a major decision. Buying a car is a major decision. I guess I would define it as something that will impact our life for a long period of time.

Mary: So, you wouldn’t trust Bette to just go out and replace all your vehicles one afternoon.

Tina: I would trust her to do it. But if she had not talked about this prior to doing it, I would be pissed as hell. You see, one of those vehicles is mine and I drive every day and I will be driving it for years hopefully. And I want some input as to what that is going to be. If I did that to her, I expect she would be a screaming banshee for some period of time and it would be directed at me. And frankly, I would deserve it. And vehicles are a major ticket item. I want to know why we are buying vehicles – I do not like doing things which are big ticket items on a whim or at least we need discussing the ramifications of making such a move. And we should agree that is something we both want.