Bette: Part of building trust in each other is the discussing of goals and hopes and plans. And not acting until Tina and I have both agreed on how to proceed. If I just came in and said: “Oh, yeah, Tina we are going to Yellowstone for spring break. I’ve made the reservations; everything is all set.” If I hadn’t talked to Tina first, I might find myself sleeping in the guest room for a while, maybe a year or so.  Yellowstone is a major decision for this family. What if she had her heart set on going to Disney World in Florida instead? But mostly, she would be pissed that I made a decision on behalf of the family without input from her. That is a severe lack of respect and value of her as my partner. It would show that I assumed that she would be okay with it without truly checking with her. So that is one of my prime directives for couples. Never assume you know how your spouse will respond. Let her respond and then proceed. Life will be a whole lot easier.

Tina: I think I would also define a major item that need discussion is anything that is a want which is not in the household budget. Needs do not require discussion. Wants generally do. And a want is anything that is purely discretionary. In the car example. We have perfectly good vehicles; new ones are purely discretionary.

Mary: But you have all the resources you need to do almost anything you want to.

Bette: That is a very recent event, Mom. And just because we have these new resources does not mean that both of us shouldn’t discuss with each other how we spend it. For the most part, our resources belong to both of us and we both need to have a voice in how its utilized. We both need to have knowledge of our finances and what’s happening to it. Should anything happen to either of us, the remaining partner needs to know the financial situation. Things will be rough enough with a loss without trying to figure out if you can pay the light bill or not or if the tax man is coming any moment to kick you out of your home.