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“That’s wonderful and I understand Kit and David have made amends and she’s now a grandmother.
“Yes. They are both over the moon ecstatic to be reconciled and sharing these great moments as a family. Kit’s been staying with them in Boston since the baby was born. I don’t think she wants to come home.”
“Well you can’t really blame her. It had to be difficult for her to make the decision to leave David in the care of his grandmother so many years ago, but it was probably for the good. Now they have a second chance to get it right.”
“Yeah. Now he gets to know his mother when she’s at her best.”
“Well give her my regards when you talk to her.”
“Will do.”
“It’s been great catching up and hearing all the good news, but I know you had a specific reason for wanting to talk to me today. Who wants to start?”
“I’ll start.” Bette jumped in. “You know we are ready to have another baby. Tina is within her fertile window so we’re going to the cryobank this afternoon, hence the reason for the urgency. Anyway, we want to have our privacy for the home insemination, so we’ve recruited Grandma Peggy to keep Angie for a few days during those times. She was thrilled to help, but this brought up a conversation between us in which I recounted the circumstances surrounding Angie’s conception and birth. I was telling Peggy how horrible an experience it was for Tina and me and how I wanted this time to be vastly different so I was making every effort to insure that. After hearing all the gory details Peggy in her wisdom pointed out that all the effort in the world on my part wouldn’t change anything if Tina wasn’t accepting of them or if she wasn’t willing to make some effort on her part as well. Peggy was heartbroken by our story. She suggested that we put some safeguards in place to keep us from falling into the same pitfalls should things not go as planned with this pregnancy. We never took any precautions back then. When we got into trouble we didn’t know how to get out of. We never got help and we just drifted further apart until we couldn’t find our way back to each other. You know our history, so I don’t have to repeat all that, but we did want to talk to you about getting some support systems in place in advance of starting this process. We’re both hopeful that Tina will get pregnant quickly but if she doesn’t, we don’t want to fall apart like we did the first time. We realize we are in a better position to cope than we were 10 years ago. Many of the obstacles we faced back then are no longer present in our lives, but we want to do all we can this time to make it the happy loving experience that it should have been.”
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Great session with Emma!
I am happy that both Tina and Bette are open for counseling and talk open about their feelings.
Most important is to set boundaries to their friends and Peggy and for them self as couple.
Never forget the intimacy and be honest about your feelings. Emma is a great help to them.
Great chapter!
Bibi28 Thank you. Appreciate the comment and glad you enjoyed the session with Emma. I agree setting boundaries, being intimate and talking through their feelings is a great way to set the foundation for dealing with whatever comes their way.
Bat2012 – Sorry, I thought I responded to this one….but let me write another one just in case.
I thought the advice was absolutely excellent. However, sometimes I get the impression that Tina while appearing to be involved with these sessions seems to be holding something back from Bette and from Emma. She may not know what it is exactly but there is something about the reason she left Bette which has not been acknowledge and dealt with. If memory serves me, Tina was frustrated with the insemination process, leaves Bette for Helena because Helena makes her feel wanted, needed, and attractive. Tina finds out she pregnant, acknowledges Bette as the baby’s other mother, but continues to see Helena for sex while having Bette accompany her to doctor’s appointments and birthing classes etc. In the eight month, Helena stops being interested in Tina, and Tina decides to move in with Bette to have the baby. This takes Bette by complete surprise but has hopes this is a reconciliation. But instead, Tina stays for six months and then leaves again. They share custody of Angie. Both are very good and devoted parents. Bette waits for Tina for approximately four years when she to dates Jodi. Tina dates Kate Arden at the time. Bette breaks up with Jodi and Kate breaks up with Tina about the same time and with a push from Angie, Bette and Tina get back together. By the time Bette and Tina have their first intimacy after Tina has moved back in with Bette, it had been five years since their last intimacy. There had been no intimacy during the six months Tina lived with Bette after the birth of Angie. My question is why did Tina move back in with Bette for the birth of Angie and yet make no effort to reconcile with her child’s other mother? Bette indicates that every attempt she made, she received a push back from Tina. I take that to mean every attempt at conversation as well as affection was rebuffed making the sole reason for Tina to live with Bette to allow her to bond with her child and to assist Tina with child care during that period of her life. There appears to be little or no effort to reconcile with Bette at all. So what was that all about? Why would she put Bette through that emotional turmoil of giving her hope that she was back in her life when it was simply not going to happen? This is the part that has never been explained by Tina.
The bottom line for Tina has been that she left Bette to begin with because she felt unwanted, undesirable and unloved. But then she comes back to Bette and maintains Bette at arms length for the sake of the baby only to leave again without any attempt to resolve the original issues. Was this Tina’s objective when she moved back in with Bette to have the baby? Since Tina has always been in the controlling position on the relationship, in that she has always been the one who decided she would leave Bette and when she would come back, she is the one who has to explain or come to terms with her actions. This is the part which Tina has not examined nor explained.
If or when Tina gets pregnant and has a baby, there will be a time in which this unexplained actions will have bearing on their current lives. This is one of those things that Tina probably needs one on one therapy to get to what was responsible for these actions or non-actions. And then it takes five years and Kate Arden to bring to her attention how much she desires and loves Bette seems something that Tina needs to look at as well. Some part of herself is resisting what she desires most deep in her heart. Why is that? Is it fear of failure or rejection, so best not to risk an attempt and repress that which she desired the most in life – a loving relationship with one Bette Porter?
My impression is that Tina is prone to flee rather than attempt to stand and face problems. In the past, both Bette and Tina have made assumptions about the situation without getting conformation as to whether the assumption was true or not. Tina assumed that she was unattractive and unwanted by Bette. Bette assumed that she was unneeded by Tina. And all of this was from misreading each others actions rather than having a conversation and discussing the true reasons for the actions they were seeing. And these assumption perpetuated themselves for 5 or 6 years. That is a true tragedy. Fortunately in this story, they have resolved most of these bad assumptions. I think we still have just a little bit further to travel in this reconciliation process to assure a good foundation for their future life together.
Hi Martha3128 – thank you for going back and leaving a comment. If you left one before it never showed up, as I was looking for it. You’ve provided an accurate accounting of their lives up to the point where they reconcile after the push from Angie. In the first version of this story when they met with Emma there was a confrontational conversation between Bette and Tina, that I decided to leave out this time around. I will PM you. I don’t know if I addressed everything that you bring up about Tina in the story but I do have more conversations about her actions and she does see Emma again on her own.
You bring up a lot of good points. I don’t know if you’ve read my story ‘What More Could I Want.” That’s one where they spent a bit of time in couple’s therapy at a retreat. I think in that story I did try to delve deeper into explaining some of their actions. At least that was my interpretation. If you get a chance to read it, I would love to hear your thoughts.