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“I guess my first question is Tina are you aware of any physical reason why you might not be able to conceive? Are there any complications that your doctor has talked to you about?”
“No. I’m in terrific physical health. I’ve been preparing my body for months and I have taken all the recommended steps. There are no physical problems that we’re aware of, but to be honest there didn’t appear to be any physical problems 10 years ago and it still took me almost a year to conceive once we got a good donor.”
“You’re right Tina. Even if everything is perfect it can still take time and we can’t predict just how much time. It could happen tonight, or it could take months or even years. I think what we want to accomplish here is finding ways to manage your time while you wait and finding ways to cope with the feelings of failure, disappointment and discouragement that can accompany that waiting period. You two have already tackled a lot of that and you know the only way to continue is to keep talking. It’s going to be more important now than ever before for you to keep the lines of communication open. The first thing to understand is that your experiences are going to be different. Tina as the birth mother you are going to experience things that Bette won’t and Bette as the other mother you are going to have some unique experiences that Tina won’t. What’s important is that you share these things; tell each other how you feel, what you are thinking, what your fears are. Focus on things you can control and don’t add undue stress thinking about what if. Bette you and I have had the conversation about living in the present; the here and now. Learn from your past but don’t dwell on it. Neither of you can expect your partner to react a certain way because that is how they reacted last time. But what you can do is recognize that a situation that was particularly difficult for you last time will come up again this time so think about it and plan how you would tackle it. Make sure you have realistic expectations for yourself and for each other. Bette, give me an example of one situation that was particularly difficult for you when you tried the first time?”
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Great session with Emma!
I am happy that both Tina and Bette are open for counseling and talk open about their feelings.
Most important is to set boundaries to their friends and Peggy and for them self as couple.
Never forget the intimacy and be honest about your feelings. Emma is a great help to them.
Great chapter!
Bibi28 Thank you. Appreciate the comment and glad you enjoyed the session with Emma. I agree setting boundaries, being intimate and talking through their feelings is a great way to set the foundation for dealing with whatever comes their way.
Bat2012 – Sorry, I thought I responded to this one….but let me write another one just in case.
I thought the advice was absolutely excellent. However, sometimes I get the impression that Tina while appearing to be involved with these sessions seems to be holding something back from Bette and from Emma. She may not know what it is exactly but there is something about the reason she left Bette which has not been acknowledge and dealt with. If memory serves me, Tina was frustrated with the insemination process, leaves Bette for Helena because Helena makes her feel wanted, needed, and attractive. Tina finds out she pregnant, acknowledges Bette as the baby’s other mother, but continues to see Helena for sex while having Bette accompany her to doctor’s appointments and birthing classes etc. In the eight month, Helena stops being interested in Tina, and Tina decides to move in with Bette to have the baby. This takes Bette by complete surprise but has hopes this is a reconciliation. But instead, Tina stays for six months and then leaves again. They share custody of Angie. Both are very good and devoted parents. Bette waits for Tina for approximately four years when she to dates Jodi. Tina dates Kate Arden at the time. Bette breaks up with Jodi and Kate breaks up with Tina about the same time and with a push from Angie, Bette and Tina get back together. By the time Bette and Tina have their first intimacy after Tina has moved back in with Bette, it had been five years since their last intimacy. There had been no intimacy during the six months Tina lived with Bette after the birth of Angie. My question is why did Tina move back in with Bette for the birth of Angie and yet make no effort to reconcile with her child’s other mother? Bette indicates that every attempt she made, she received a push back from Tina. I take that to mean every attempt at conversation as well as affection was rebuffed making the sole reason for Tina to live with Bette to allow her to bond with her child and to assist Tina with child care during that period of her life. There appears to be little or no effort to reconcile with Bette at all. So what was that all about? Why would she put Bette through that emotional turmoil of giving her hope that she was back in her life when it was simply not going to happen? This is the part that has never been explained by Tina.
The bottom line for Tina has been that she left Bette to begin with because she felt unwanted, undesirable and unloved. But then she comes back to Bette and maintains Bette at arms length for the sake of the baby only to leave again without any attempt to resolve the original issues. Was this Tina’s objective when she moved back in with Bette to have the baby? Since Tina has always been in the controlling position on the relationship, in that she has always been the one who decided she would leave Bette and when she would come back, she is the one who has to explain or come to terms with her actions. This is the part which Tina has not examined nor explained.
If or when Tina gets pregnant and has a baby, there will be a time in which this unexplained actions will have bearing on their current lives. This is one of those things that Tina probably needs one on one therapy to get to what was responsible for these actions or non-actions. And then it takes five years and Kate Arden to bring to her attention how much she desires and loves Bette seems something that Tina needs to look at as well. Some part of herself is resisting what she desires most deep in her heart. Why is that? Is it fear of failure or rejection, so best not to risk an attempt and repress that which she desired the most in life – a loving relationship with one Bette Porter?
My impression is that Tina is prone to flee rather than attempt to stand and face problems. In the past, both Bette and Tina have made assumptions about the situation without getting conformation as to whether the assumption was true or not. Tina assumed that she was unattractive and unwanted by Bette. Bette assumed that she was unneeded by Tina. And all of this was from misreading each others actions rather than having a conversation and discussing the true reasons for the actions they were seeing. And these assumption perpetuated themselves for 5 or 6 years. That is a true tragedy. Fortunately in this story, they have resolved most of these bad assumptions. I think we still have just a little bit further to travel in this reconciliation process to assure a good foundation for their future life together.
Hi Martha3128 – thank you for going back and leaving a comment. If you left one before it never showed up, as I was looking for it. You’ve provided an accurate accounting of their lives up to the point where they reconcile after the push from Angie. In the first version of this story when they met with Emma there was a confrontational conversation between Bette and Tina, that I decided to leave out this time around. I will PM you. I don’t know if I addressed everything that you bring up about Tina in the story but I do have more conversations about her actions and she does see Emma again on her own.
You bring up a lot of good points. I don’t know if you’ve read my story ‘What More Could I Want.” That’s one where they spent a bit of time in couple’s therapy at a retreat. I think in that story I did try to delve deeper into explaining some of their actions. At least that was my interpretation. If you get a chance to read it, I would love to hear your thoughts.