In the kitchen Bette and Mary where washing up which was a long task. Bette was changing the water in the sink again as Mary dried the last of the plates
“Where do these go ?”
“If you leave them out I will put them away “
“I don’t mind “
“I know – but I can do it “
“Bette – where do they go?”
Bette sighed – it wasn’t worth an argument
“Third cupboard behind me – top “
“Thank you “
Bette toyed with saying something but Christmas probably wasn’t the time for it
“How is your sister – have you heard ?”
“I spoke to Roger this morning – she is a little better “
“Well enough to sign the café over?”
“I don’t know – not my place to interfere in what happens between Roger and Kit”
“Tina showed me a photo of her – she does look like you “
“We both look like my father – and we are probably more like him than either of us want to admit “
“Tina said he never liked her “
“It’s more complicated than him not liking her “
“How?”
If Bette had to explain this she would rather do it without Tina in the room – she knew how hard Tina had fund any encounter with her father
“My father thought that I was going to hell because I was gay – and therefore Tina was also hell bound. He treated her appallingly “
“I would find that hard to cope with “
“She did – but I was stubborn and I wanted my father’s approval so I persisted. In hindsight – which is a wonderful thing of course – in hindsight I wish I had told him to fuck himself. I didn’t stand up for her or me and I do regret that. I thought – wrongly that if I just stayed around and if he just saw that I was an adult in an adult relationship that he would accept her. She was heroic to show up to every meeting with him – she had every right to demand to be treated better than he did. I was in the wrong – not as in the wrong as him but I feel bad about it”
“That cannot have been easy for you “
“It wasn’t easy for either of us “
“I know what it’s like to be shunned “
Bette looked across “ I know – it must have been hard when he went to jail “
“He wants to go back to Carolina for a visit – to see relatives we still have there”
“You don’t want him to go ?”
“I don’t want him stared at and pointed to like I was “
“He must know what will happen “
“I kept a lot from him – he was in jail. What could he do from jail “
Bette nodded “And you want to leave Carolina as the past you do not revisit ?”
“Can you blame me ?”
“No “
“I don’t know if I should ask Tina to talk to him “
“They are getting very close which is great and I know that Angie just adore you both “
“Would you talk to him Bette?”
“Me?”
“He has a tremendous respect for you “
Bette turned and went back to washing the dishes
“Can I ask you something “
“Sure “
“Am I annoying Tina -over wanting to help?”
Bette looked at Mary “Yes – and you know you are “
The older woman held Bette’s gaze for several seconds before she looked away
“Why do you say that ?”
“Recovering alcoholic to recovering alcoholic – we just have to be useful. We cannot stop ourselves – we want to be doing and we want to be active because the alternative is sitting quietly which is something that doesn’t sit well with you – or me.it could be just our personalities but I think has more to do with not being aware that there is booze around. There was a wine bottle on the table – you saw it – so did I “
Mary sighed “You have worked me out very quickly Bette “
“The most obvious thing to Tina is this is because you see her as a 19-year-old who needs mothering and there could be a part of that in there but when you are here you seem uncomfortable at times. I do not think it is because we are lesbians – I could be wrong”
“It’s not because you are gay – I swear “
“I know that “Bette smiled “Something about being here makes you want to drink – maybe it’s because Tina drinks and so does her father “
Mary put the tea towel down and lent against the kitchen unit
“I seem to be able to deal with one of them drinking but not both of them “
“How did you feel about Tina and Peggy getting steamed the other day “
She laughed “Cocktails in very expensive restaurants were never my thing “
“I did wonder – Peggy said you were full of disapproval “
“She was being very explicit “
Bette laughed “Sorry but that is Peggy- rules don’t apply to her – but she has an amazing heart – don’t write her off “
“Cocktails just look silly to me – but a bottle of wine and a few beers – that was me – those were my drinks “
“Sometimes you can be amid alcohol and it doesn’t bother you – – other times you are over sensitive to the merest hint “
Mary nodded
“So why are you uncomfortable here ?”
“Fear – I see how much Jack loves Angie and Tina and I am scared of what it will do to him – to me if it stops “
“Why would it stop ?”
“Because I keep interfering and I know her – I know it is really driving her mad. I don’t want to lose her”
Bette rubbed her face before looking up at the other woman.
“Tina is as nervous as you – she desperately wants to get this right for everyone’s sake. For a long time – her entire adult life – no one told her that what happened wasn’t her fault. she has kept that inside and its corroded part of her I think. You are not going to lose her or Angie but if you want my advice “
Mary nodded
“Learn to meditate – that is what I do. When they walked back into my life last October I was so afraid that I would do something and screw it up – after all that was what I did. I had learnt to mediate when I first sobered up and I went back to it – it just took me down a few notches – enough to enjoy her and Angie and not live every moment with the fear of my life without them in it. And by relaxing I was more fun so they didn’t want to leave me. Also “
Bette exhaled “Let’s all move on – let’s make this week a watershed moment. You have all been through the most appalling tragedy – no one won – everyone lost. Time for a new chapter – one where every conversation is not about what happened when Tina was 19 and she got pregnant. Let’s talk about politics and Angie and the cat and the future cat and with luck – a new baby for Tina and I. No one is gaining anything from talking about the past and it just rekindles the bad stuff that hurts all of you. I have sat and listened to so many conversations where you have all been in pain -but you keep talking about it. Tina doesn’t think she can be the one who says enough is enough and I suspect that he can’t either. But you can – you are his wife and her mother and you are one of the strongest women I know Mary Kennard. If anyone can close one chapter for the Kennard clan and open a new happy one – it is you – its only you Mary “
CHP 116