Triggering memories, it allowed her to dream vividly of happier times she had shared with the athlete.  The effect of this however was thoroughly disconcerting as she awoke in her bed late the following morning and reached out for the comforting embrace of the tennis-player.  It had been a long time since she had experienced that feeling.  Indeed she wondered if she had ever experienced it at all since Dana’s death.  Before that, it had been a regular occurrence after their break-up.  A reflection perhaps of the refusal of her subconscious to believe that the relationship was over, Alice would frequently awake seeking out her one-time lover.

 Since her death though, things had changed.  For what had seemed like an eternity Alice had woken morning after morning instantly stung by the realisation that Dana was no longer alive.  Perhaps because so often it was preceded by the recurring nightmare of those last few moments of her life, the reality of Dana’s death did not ever need to have time to register before Alice opened her eyes.  From the second she was awake the fact of the athlete’s permanent absence was indelibly imprinted on the writer’s spirit.  It was almost like it was a physical load she carried with her throughout the day unable to escape from it and find refuge in denial for even a moment.  She listened with envy to others speaking of their grief and describing a moment at the start of their day when their loss did not invade their consciousness.  They spoke of how this lead to a fresh pain occurring daily as reality set in.  To Alice at the time it had seemed like bliss.  The concept that even for a second she could be free of the knowledge that the greatest love she had ever experienced had been extinguished forever.  For one instant to not have to experience the ache of knowing that she would never see Dana again.

Now, here it was.  After a period of time where that all consuming awareness had passed and the parts of her day where she thought of things not related to Dana slowly began to exceed those when she did, she had what she had thought she wanted back then.  However as she experienced the sensation of having to become aware of and acknowledge the truth on this morning Alice accepted that this was not much better that what she had originally had.

As her thoughts began to clear, and her mind returned to present events, Alice progressed on to a profound feeling of guilt.  How wrong was it that it was Dana not Tasha who she had been reaching out for this morning.  Did that mean something?  Was Alice ready to even be trying to develop a relationship with the soldier?  There was no denying that Alice was growing to love Tasha.  Falling for her completely thought was something she had not allowed herself to even entertain.  It would be disloyal – would it not – to Dana’s sacred memory.  It would devalue the love that she had felt for Dana.  Continuing in a relationship with Tasha however and refusing to allow herself those feelings wasn’t fair to either of them.

As the thoughts swirled through her mind the writer could manage little else than to cling to what had kept her sane thus far.  With that she swung her legs over the bed and exchanged her pyjamas for her running gear and set out once again hoping that perhaps the routine activity would bring about some clarity in her mind.